Perspective

I'm not going to lie; it has been a rough year. I've worked harder than I ever thought possible. And what sucks is the voice in the back of my head telling me it's not enough. Well, sometimes it's a voice out loud too. I think that I can't be the only person working this hard and maybe I'm just a wuss about it.

But then I see posts from friends about how they tried a new restaurant, or went to the gym or planned an arts and crafts night with friends and I think - do they just continue on when I tire out? Or is my life completely imbalanced with work and no down time? I feel like I'm closing in on having to make a life choice and I wish someone would just alleviate a few things and I won't have to.

I know there are many worse things out there and people working harder and suffering more, but I am tired, sore and broken down and it's enough for me. I'm just working really hard at my perspective. Really hard ...

New York Moment

I just had such a "moment" watching the Rockefeller Tree Lighting on DVR. Happy smiles with tears in my eyes. Nothing like it.

Massage from the twilight zone

I'm a fan of massages. I love the spa music, the low lights, the scent of lavender and someone actually removing some of the tenseness from my muscles. I've had over 100 in my life, probably, by now. And with all the coupon sites, I can still get one from time to time.

I haven't had one in about 3 months and currently can't sleep through the night without pain and a heating pad in the wee hours. So when I saw a chiropractor's office offering a massage I thought this was the jackpot. I could see a physician and maybe even get cracked here and there. (also a fan of holistic medicine and chiropractors).

Today was the day. I cashed in my voucher and got amped for my massage (squeezed in between vet appts and buying appts and working in the store). I show up to a tiny little room where my shoes had to go under the table. The music was an R&B acapella ensemble Christmas CD where their voices were the instruments and there was a fair amount of wailing. The lotion smelled like Bath & Body Works peppermint. But weirdest of all - the woman spoke a healing prayer over me when she saw my diabetes port for my pump. She prayed that my body would heal and told me if I believed then the next time I went to the doctor I wouldn't need insulin anymore.

Seriously.

No, seriously.

I thanked her. What else do you do when you're draped with a towel over your thong and in mid-massage? I also tipped her as I left. Partially for the guilt of how heavy the awkwardness in the room was after that moment, partially because she had tried to heal me and mostly because the whole thing cost $29 with a daily email group coupon thingy.

I will not be retuning. But I will be cashing in one of my next 3 coupon massages next week to try and work out the memory of this one.

Dog Pee

Some days are just harder than others. Try to handle with grace and humor and get through it.

Christmas All Around

I have traditionally hated the Holidays the last few years. I'm not sure what changed this year - having my own home, being grateful for so many things, or just being so absolutely stressed out-crazy that it feels good to enjoy a moment of Christmas lights here and there. But I am over my Scrooge-ness, it seems!

The tree is up and the house is decorated. I bought a new wreath for the front door and stockings for the fireplace. And I hope to put Christmas lights in the tree and front porch this evening!

I have a love affair with Christopher Radko ornaments and try and collect at least one new one a year. They're mouth-blown, hand painted glass and each ornament takes 7 days to make. They're awesome. And my tree is covered with those, Pier One glass and Old World Christmas. (check out the cool built-ins in the house. Amazing details).

I can't wait for the after Christmas sales to stock up on even more. This year the one I can't keep looking at is new to the tree from a 1/2 price bin in January. It's a huge pale green glass ball with a glass insert of a painted partridge in a pear tree inside. I LOVE it. More pics to come. Definitely.

Lots and lots and lots

Misty does in fact have a brain tumor, but yes, over a month later I used the present-tense "has." Misty has been on prednisone since her initial vet visit. We've had to add a couple other medications as well and continue with 30-day visits; however, she is doing incredible! I have to remind myself that it's only treating the symptoms and not the tumor, so this won't go on forever. But I have my baby girl back and she's back more than ever! She runs, barks, plays and is back to her best fighting weight! I couldn't ask for anything more this year.

However, we've moved into our house as well. It's been about a month, but there are still boxes and piles and things to go through each and every day. Slowly I'm pulling the place together. It's an old, old place, built in 1940 and feels like it sometimes with the cold and dust everywhere. But it's beautiful and will be crazy awesome once we finish all the reno.

Here's a before and after of the kitchen, just as an example:

Amazing, right?

AND we opened a second store. Am I crazy? Absolutely. Have a lost my head a few times? Beyond yes. But I'm trying to seek the good and positive and enjoy these moments. When else in my life will all of this happen at once? (NEVER! Thank God - I hope).

Changes

Life is changing and I'm not quite sure I'm ready. I'm welcoming the good, of course. Don't we all? But as life moves on, not all changes are always easy. And this particular instance of change is anything but easy. Anything at all. My heart is so heavy as I even try and figure out how to say anything.

I took my dear sweet Misty to the vet this morning. Things haven't been easy for a while and I was hoping instead of old age there'd be a simple pill to make her the puppy I've loved for over 13 years again. Somehow I knew it wouldn't be that simple. It's like that quote from Steel Magnolia's character Truvy - "Time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it's marching right across your face." I'm not actually sure how accurate that is to this moment, but it seems cynical and real enough to work.

The vet told me this morning that Misty has a brain tumor and is rapidly suffering functionality, vision, hearing, muscle, etc. She started steroids this morning. But the vet is only giving her a few days to show improvement before he makes us talk about next steps. I feel empty and numb, like I'm slowly drifting into a dark and comforting depression. That usually follows the extreme tears that poured upon learning what I feel somehow I already knew.

The prognosis isn't completely tragic and there's a chance for a few years if her body decides to fight. But after watching her have a seizure this morning, and realizing it wasn't her first, I'm coming to terms that this is just another change in life as it moves on around me. I'm just clinging on, legs flying behind me as it moves so fast it's blowing my hair back, flinging me along with the bumps and mountains.

My dear sweet Misty-Miss. My heart, my love. The truest, longest relationship I've ever had and I can't imagine one day without her.

life in my color

Long weekend ending (well, actually it was just two days, but I haven't had two days off in a row forever. It's amazing how long it feels), wine poured, hummus and naan on the table and this on the ITunes. Perfection.

Amazed

I've discovered a lot of pictures from my parents before they were parents and I am so completely in love with them. They were this cute, stylish couple. I've never met those people because the world wore them down and responsibility took over. But back in the day they gazed at each other and were just so fabulous. I'm in awe. I'm verging on obsessed. But seriously, check out this pair. They couldn't get any better:

Tofu Pie

Yes, Tofu pie. And it's amazing. I'm always looking for new desserts to make since being diagnosed and I swear I will never live down Scotty's first birthday cake. It was a great lemon English tea cake ... for breakfast ... in England ... with tea. But I iced it and attempted to serve it to our friends. Not OK. I still get grief for it.

But now I have it. The best pie ever and I will continue to make it for every event. I'm stoked!

I package Tofu (I used Silken Firm and it came out fudge-like consistency. I'm going soft next for more of a mousse)
Semi sweet chocolate chips
Coconut Milk (although Almond or Soy works)
Salt
Vanilla Extract (I also added Rum extract)
Agave nectar (I'll leave this out next time for less sweet)
Melt the chocolate. Blend it in a blender. Pour in a pie crust. I found an unbleached wheat flour chocolate pie crust at the Farmers Market. It was ridiculous.

Best. Healthy. Dessert. Ever.

Love, love, love

I love, love my new Mark & Estell top. I couldn't feel cuter, happier, more comfortable and stylish all at the same time. And with the door propped open, the weather stunning and a littler Mayer on the IPod - this is a perfect moment. I haven't had a lot of those lately and when I do, I'm too busy to notice. So since I'm having this moment right here. Right now. I'm enjoying it. A lot.

And it all started with my new top.

It's a Cult

Well, maybe not a cult, per se. But everyone wears the same colors, chants at the same time, sways together, sings songs and only does this when the "Leader" tells them. They're silent when supposed to be silent, they're loud when supposed to be loud and they "Whoop!" But, you know, maybe that's not quite a cult.

It is a team that kicked our ass. We had a shot in the beginning and completely threw it away. I suppose with threw it to the other team - twice - but figuratively that's pretty much throwing the game away.

This weekend will be better. Lots better. And I can't wait to play at home and experience the entire thing. It's been TOO long!

Vegas Love

Oh my goodness. I think this is how exhausted feels. Market is an amazing, fantastic, draining experience I now couldn't imagine my life without. I love seeing the new, the great. I love the ability to bring in something new and fantastic. The store has turned into a lifestyle boutique I am blessed to bring to people. The fashion and style - ugh, I'm in love. I love the responsibility of bringing something new and stylish to our customers and hopefully can become a source for what's new and next. Love it!

8 hours, 8 appts, 5 miles on foot, 3 cabs, 1 coffee, 1 SF red bull, free fun stuff = tired girl working from bed in the hotel room before dinner with a fav vendor tonight.

"Jana likes to live on the edge"

Well that was interesting. I had a meeting at the alma mater yesterday - and might I say I'm even filled with more pride than before - so I decided to check out a few places nearby. I walked into the bookstore and the local Greek spirit shop. The bookstore was just that, generic and mass-produced. But the Greek shop was the same as ever. So cute and fun that I wanted to find something to buy. I wanted to feel included. But I noticed it was entirely Greek and what was University was the generic and the same as ever.

I've felt bad about opening the shop and stepping on the toes of my former boss. I worked at the Greek spirit shop for 6 years in college and after. She was a mother to me when my own had issues accepting who I am. But my fears are apparently hers as well.

I walked in and began to relax, realizing how different we still are. There isn't one person that would shop at one over the other, but rather probably shop in both to find exactly what they're looking for. And after a year of being open and a handful of visits, I finally ran into her again ... and it was interesting.

She threw me under the bus for opening in the first place, making sure I knew I could have found something cute at her store. Then questioned why I wasn't working and was out walking around in the first place. THEN asks me if I ever got married. I tell her no, conversation is awkward for a bit, and I say something about dating Scott and she says, "Oh - you're dating too? I thought it was just business. Well, Jana never did make the wisest decisions. She likes to live on the edge." She left me fake smiling with my mouth a-gape as she returned to her throngs of customers buying for Bid Day.

Seriously? I've been terrified of running into her for fear she would misread my store as stepping on her toes; HOWEVER, in reality, it's nothing like her store whatsoever. There isn't one style, product or inch of atmosphere that overlaps. But she apparently only did enough research to feel the need to parent me into my place.

I pictured that encounter totally different.

Happy Moment

Daily SF Red Bull in hand. Diddy jamming in the background. Sooo many good things on the horizon. Way too many potential hazards every day to make me stress out, but I'm having a happy, amazed, full-of-love moment and wanted to put it on "paper."

Possible house closing at the end of the month in my dream neighborhood. Appraisal was Monday and still waiting to hear.
Awesome new product ordered in the store. Just waiting on delayed deliveries
Football season is almost here. It's a stagnant 100+ degrees day after day.
Scotty and I are in a really good place. We can argue at the drop of a dime.

I think this is the definition of schizo. No? Yes, definitely. Well, maybe. Ha!

Trucking along

I work. I work hard and I work long hours. I pretty much do nothing but live and breathe work. I have nothing to talk about but work. But that's how it is, right? You work now for the rewards later? I'm a do-er. I'm a driven girl. I'm not content waiting for life to happen, I make it happen. And with that comes the struggle for relaxing down-time.

My idols lately? I'm starting to think my last CEO, but she's a little Diva-ish, so maybe not her
Bethenney with her cocktail empire and her husband and baby. She pulled herself up, did it and worked her ass off.
LC - Still love her. Again, someone who utilized connections to move herself in a direction she wanted. She works every day, creates something she loves and just deals with the petty people she runs into along the way.
Kelly Cutrone - Hard-nosed, get it done. No questions asked. Just do it. Loves her family. Loves those around her.

All of these people are fiercely protective of their friends and families, work harder than anyone I know and are bountifully successful. They grateful, genuine-hearted and turn a blind eye to those that spit hatred. I just have to keep them in focus, remember my goals and get there. Nose down, enjoy myself from time to time - definitely - and get there.

SFRB to the Rescue

I don't think I can make it through an afternoon lately without a Sugar Free Red Bull. I was in love before going to LA, but now I'm full-blown addicted. But now even the taste of it puts me in a better mood.

Today is on the more stressful side of life. Business is beyond slow. Weather is oppressive-hot with no end in sight. Bills are piling up personally and professionally. My relationship that was doing fantastically better is buckling a bit under all the pressure of finances and work. I just need everything to stop for a moment so that I can walk away, take a deep breath and come back. Walk away, take a deep breathe and come back. (I actually took a couple deep breaths while writing it, hence the repetition).

Do other people react to their jobs like me? I had an incredibly intense job in NYC due to the fact that my boss hated me. Apparently, it's not so bad anymore. It really was just me she hated. But my friends enjoy their jobs and I don't ever remember a desk job making me feel this physically drained and exhausted or absolutely end-of-my-rope stressed out. I guess bc I didn't own those companies.

Touche.

I have to learn to calm down and for now, one thing that helps is my SF Red Bull. And so it goes as I pop the top again.

Humble Pie

Life is funny. I view myself as quite pessimistic, stressed out, anxious, etc. But you never know what someone else sees. And it's always a humbling thing to find out.

The security guard near the store is the eyes and ears of the place. He sees everything, knows everyone and you definitely want on his good side. I've never done anything to try and get there, but never to get away from it either. He comes in and says hello almost every day, checks on the store and slowly we've started to talk more and more. He's fascinated, or maybe just really curious, about my diabetes. Every day he wants to know what I can eat, how I brush my teeth, where does my pump go when I sleep, can I handle the extreme heat, etc.

Today as he asks me the usual round of questions, he stops and says - I love coming and talking to you. You inspire me. You really inspire me. You do. Some days you keep me going. You're always positive. I know you have bad days, but you're always smiling and kind. I really love talking to you.

Humbled.

Happy List

Clean spaces make me happy! As does cuddling, my new obsession with Chobani yogurt, clothes, fashion, celebrity gossip and my selection of brainless shows and most definitely my impending trip to The City of Angels in 3 days! I'm dreaming of what to pack because the high is in the 70s! The 70s!!! I can't wait. I enviously scour pictures of fashionable celebs in their layers and boots, cardis and hats and think - how in the world can they wear that? Oh, well it isn't 100-degrees for double-digit days in a row out there. I am seriously considering a relocation right about now.

Back in Time

I found a plethora of pics when opening up my old laptop and it really seemed to be the kickstart I needed to make myself happy again. So it'll make me even happier to share a few!

Ouch

Severe. Back. Pain. - for months now. IJS

Fashion is my Passion

I have lived and breathed for fashion forever. When I lived in NYC I would deliberately do something or wear something that was just a little off. I even remember the moment it started.

In college I always envied the girls that looked like they threw something on and were still fabulous. I loved that mismatched matching look, but tried too hard to be able to pull it off. So I started small. I wore red kitten heels with a pair of grey capris and a black top. I even called my roommate to tell her how daring I was and that I didn't even care that they didn't match!

From there, moving to NYC, you truly don't care. I went out for coffee in my pjs and snow boots. I lived in Mexican house dresses and Havaianas. I was happy and confident every day. Fashion was my way of life and I lived it well.

Then I let myself get beat down emotionally by a controlling and manipulative boy. I moved to Dallas where fashion is anything but people's passion. It's a homogenous city where standing out is never done and real fashion happens a couple years late every single trend.

Not me anymore. Not today. I've asked the boy which earrings or which shoes or wanted his approval every morning for a year. Not anymore. Today I truly feel me - my uber-favorite tiger print mohair ballet flats with the black bow, my chambray dress romper from Paris, my Shopbop feather necklace, my vintage "grandma" earrings and my Urban straw fedora. I would be confident in any major city, here or abroad. And though I may garner glances here in Big D, I smile because it means I'm back to me.

One Year Ago

Holy crizzity! It's been a year. One year ago next Friday I opened the doors. (Scotty would be so upset I didn't say "we"). This place doesn't even look the same. It's unbelievable how much we've grown! Somewhere in there the store has done phenomenal, it's truly successful, and I have personally fallen apart.

I've put everything I have - actual blood, sweat and many many tears - into this last year to get where we are and in the meantime have lost touch with friends, broken down a relationship, parted ways even with my parents a bit and lost and re-found myself. It's the re-finding part that makes me so happy.

I've had a saying in my bedroom forever - Things fall apart so that things can fall together. I fell apart and now I'm coming back together. I opened up my old laptop from 2 years ago and went through all the pictures and couldn't believe the person I saw. There was this bold, happy beautiful girl that was confident, loving, supported, friendly and outgoing. I forgot about her. It's about time she made an appearance again. The most important things about her were her faith and her support system. So Plan Find Me begins with more commitment to getting up Sunday morning and finding a small group and investing in my own happiness. And in that, I get the feeling my broken down relationship will find a bandaid.

One year. Geesh.

Social Bird

I was a total social bird this weekend, living it up in high style and I loved it! I bailed out of work Friday evening around 6pm. This is nuts-o early for me and I couldn't have been happier to get home!

I gathered some bubbly, a little Skinnygirl and my comfy clothes and headed to Girl's night at my friend's fancy condo. We drank wine and bubbles and watched a plethora of chick flicks, snacked and gossiped and I couldn't have been happier.

The weekend continued with brunch with the girls, an hour nap and then the swanky kicked in. My parents were kicking it at the Ritz for a friend's 50th anniversary party, so I met my Dad for more bubbly at the hotel bar, raced home after doing my Mom's makeup and the boy and I were taken to dinner at my former fav restaurant. (It was my fav before the scene of the big break-up by the fountain. Now it's just another place). Live music, martinis, bottle of wine, filet - heaven!

Swanky brunch back at the hotel, a ride in a Bentley back home and then off to the horse races. The entire weekend was relaxing, laid back, fun with friends and exactly what I needed. I even managed to clean the apt, fit in a spray tan and do dinner on the patio last night. Darn-it being back to work. But super yeah to be able to breathe after a year of nothing but work!

Country Mood

Maybe because it's simple, usually a bit slower and on a down beat, but I am loving my country mood lately. A little Wolf as I get ready in the morning, and The Highway in the car to and from work. I've even added more of it to the store list. I found myself loving a new Dolly song today - and she is definitely country.

I think it makes me slow down. I think it just makes me smile. I am loving my country mood.

State-Mandated Day Off

Everyone should get one full day off each week. Plain and simple. It should be mandated in the constitution! After just 24 hours of nothingness I feel almost normal again. I can't believe it's been since my bday that I had a couple hours of nothing. No wonder I feel exhaustified!

I spent Saturday night drinking wine on the couch, watching criminal dramas while Boo snored next to me. (this snoring thing is new and I'm not so fond). I skipped out on church and slept in Sunday, wandering out to breakfast at our new fav spot (in the neighborhood we're house hunting) and then lying in bed watching tv for the next 3-4 hours. It. Was. Awesome. I still managed to cook a full Greek dinner, make a trip to Whole Paycheck and clean the entire apartment. And that was my slowest day in a month!

If you haven't had one in a while - take a freakin' day off! Do it! Sit in a park with an iced coffee and stare into space, sleep all day, paint your cats toenails, whatever! But relax for 24 hours. Godsend. Amazing. I can't believe I've survived so long at this pace.

Tomorrow isn't soon enough

I'm sitting in a place between absolute exhaustion and possible secondary breakdown and incredibly blessed and in awe of the graciousness of life and people in it.

One, my body is so physically wiped that I can't even sleep at night. My muscles are in a constant state of pain. I'm wearing workout gear and tennis shoes every day just to keep walking. I lie on a heating pad each night just to fall asleep - although I never stay there more than two hours. I am the definition of exhausted. I have no energy and no desire to find any. I'm wiped. I don't know how else to say it.

Two, the insane success of the store has me running all day every day. I barely have time to step back and look at what's happening. I have to make myself enjoy it, but when I do look up, I am humbled. I can't believe this thought in my head two years ago has turned into an actual business, thriving and growing every minute.

But I'm too tired to continue. I must sit and stare into space because I have 3 hours before my part-time girl arrives and I leave for not one, but two friend's celebrations this evening. I love them, but don't want anything save my sweats!

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Somewhere between church and cleaning the entire apartment, I will get a chance to slow down and do nothing.

Giggity, giggity

I survived. I am 31 and I survived an entire birthday weekend. In fact, I really enjoyed myself. It was fantastic to take time away from work, allow myself to relax and truly be happy in my home, my relationship and my life.

The celebration began VIP style with ridiculous seats to watch the Mavs clinch a spot in the Finals. I mean, amazing seats chilling with an Olympic medalist. We swapped numbers. You know, cause we're friends now.

The next couple days were fun dinners with friends, sleeping in, brunch, my favorite Texadelphia lunch, a little shopping, a few killer bday presents (hello Marc Jacobs) and some relaxing pool time. I even capped it all off with a girls dinner last night. The celebration is officially over. And I survived.

So bring it on 31. I'm ready for you!

Moment for moment - that's enough

"Be happy in the moment, that's enough"

That's part of a quote from Mother Theresa; however, it's also on a necklace a friend gave me years ago. I wore it every day. It was a beautiful art piece handscripted and sealed in glass then sautered to a silver chain. And then I broke it.

I've searched forever for it. It came at a point in my life when I was uncertain about my future and so much bad seemed to be happening. But it reminded me of my faith and of joy and I needed it - daily. Even searching for that necklace online again just now made me relax, take a deep breathe and feel the serenity of that gift, that phrase, that friend. I needed it then and I need it again now.

Is there a cure?

"I'm think I'm just afraid to be happy."

I almost cried even as it came out of my mouth about an hour ago. Not because I'm unhappy, but because it's true. I can't allow myself to experience too much good, because it's inevitably followed by bad. Each smile will be countered with tears. Every hug comes before someone throws a verbal punch. I am a broken, hardened and saddened person ... and I just realized it an hour ago.

How did I realize this? Simple. It's coming. And I can't seem to do anything to stop it. The dreaded bday is approaching. It's not my favorite time of year for multiple reasons - too many expectations, not enough friends and the inevitable let down. Plus, what's to celebrate about 31? Life achievements? Plenty, but the number just kind of sucks.

The plans are low key and the knowledge that people won't come leaves me exposed and self conscious. If they were never invited to something, then they wouldn't have to turn it down. What a terrible way to think, but I do.

So many amazing things have happened in the last week. I've been given huge gifts and am experiencing stellar perks of the job. I should be jumping out of my skin with excitement, but I can't seem to shake the stress and doubt. What bad thing is going to happen to counteract all this good? As I said, I'm afraid to be happy. Is there a cure?

I was able to relax and enjoy time alone, which truly made me happy. But it took escaping alone from everything and everyone. And even then, my final night ended with an hour argument/discussion/decision over the phone. I cried and yelled and then cried again because my perfect, quiet and stress free getaway was taken away. I took a jacuzzi and a Tylenol PM and slept it off. Awoke the next day same as before I ever stole away.

I so desire that feeling of enjoying a moment, of pure relaxation and elation from realizing that the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day and your favorite song came on the radio. Or even that it's a stormy, overcast day and I love the romantic thunder and lightening of it all. But I don't. I don't feel that. I always worry what will happen next and how am I going to handle it. What lead me here and how do I get out? Again, I ask: is there a cure?

Hibernation

Night One consisted of a balanced nutritional dinner of chips and peach salsa, a glass of wine, some SVU on TV and bed - Big, comfy, King-sized fluffy bed. A quick Tylenol PM and nine hours of sleep. Perfect!

Today began with coffee and eggs on the balcony. Total silence. A nice, yet hard run followed by the car wash shower. Misty and I cleaned ourselves up and I did some shopping at the closest ghetto mall. I did spend a little dough, but I really don't get myself much of anything anymore. Now I'm at home, painting my nails with my new blue color, drinking some wine and defrosting my shrimp dinner.

Still to come? Dinner, more wine, a jacuzzi bath, a fantastic night's sleep and some sausage and eggs for breakfast on the patio, possibly after another run.

This is a vacation. My own personal bed and breakfast and I honestly wish I had another day and night alone here with just me and my thoughts.

Ooh! Thunder, tonight seriously just got more perfect.

Holding On

The human body is an interesting thing. Incredibly complex, yet surprisingly simple. When you need water, you get thirsty. When you need food, you get hungry. When you need sleep, you get tired. But what happens to tell you that you just need a break? What's the warning sign before it's too late.

I missed all of the apparent signs, although looking back I think I can see them popping up along the way. But nonetheless, I now find myself careening over the edge and holding on for dear life. It's scary knowing that if you let go just one bit, you may fall so far you can't see the bottom. I've been at the bottom and I do not want to go back.

When I was tired no matter how much sleep I got, I should have seen it coming. And when my fuse was so short I found myself irritated most of the day about anything from a car on the tollroad to the dog taking too long to go to the bathroom at night. And I definitely should have known something was wrong when I couldn't control my emotions. In a fight I lost control and flew into a blind rage. And at a sweet commercial, I cried.

Of course - all of those aren't just warning signs to a total breakdown, they're symptoms of over-working, stress and no emotional support system. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

All of our efforts have gone into the store. And it's successful. It's amazingly successful and I'm busting with joy and pride! And we finally figured out how to get along as business partners. But then we looked up and our relationship was broken. We're barely roommates and not good ones at that. I like things clean, organized, picked up and home cooked. And he's always out, I go to bed alone, and he's a disaster. Now - none of these personal idiosyncrasies matter when you have a happy, healthy relationship to balance it out. People are different and the basis of a relationship is learning to communicate and live with someone else. But when those differences are all you have, when there isn't an emotional relationship underneath anymore, then what are you left with?

Simultaneously, if a bump in a relationship road was all I was dealing with, I could handle that as well. We're in better shape than most people I know that claim to be happy. We talk, we listen and we manage to spend almost every single minute of every day together without killing each other. But there's something missing and I don't know how to get it back. And if I wasn't spending my life, focus and energy at work, then maybe I'd have more to give at home. If I wasn't sick, I'd go out more and probably have more friends and a bit more fun. But I do work. And I am sick. So I have to balance.

Add it all up, and I have packed a bag, food for the dog, a bottle of wine and I'm headed away for a couple days. I remembered my phone charger, but I don't know if I'm going to even use it. I need silence. I need to get away. I need to cry. I need to think. And I need to take care of me before it really is too late. Because I'm holding on to that edge as hard as I can.

Rainy Monday

If you're going to get a Monday to sleep in, this is definitely the one to have. I forgot to set my alarm, knowing that my morning was up in the air. (Maybe it was a deliberate decision from my subconscious). After being up hours throughout the night with amazing storms, I found my eyemask and a single earplug and finally fell back into a restless sleep.

I slowly woke up, listening to the rain fall against the window and the car tires pushing the water from the street. Quiet all around. I did grab my phone and check my email - welcome to my life - but then sank back into my pillow and enjoyed the moment. I just had to see if I'd received anything about this morning.

I was supposed to speak at a local high school as a woman entrepreneur. Can you believe it? Me? I'm a real professional adult! I mean, I will be 31 in a matter of days. Ugh - that will not be mentioned again.

But the confirmation email never came, so I'll speak another day and today began relaxing in bed. Boo came in and made sure I was awake (being it was almost 9am) and I asked if he'd made coffee. He replied, "Not yet, it makes noise."

So sweet! We recently upgraded to a coffee grinder addition to our coffee routine and he didn't want to wake me up by grinding the beans. Love. This. Man.

Happy, peaceful and rainy Monday. I'm (eventually) off to shower into my comfiest Uggs, jeans and work sweatshirt attire. Then I'll put my favorite pot roast in the crock pot before heading to market to buy new accessories for the store, show up just after lunch and finish out the day. I sooo needed this after a very long, happy, exhausting and drink-heavy weekend.

Easter Menu

It was just too good. I have to share:

Ham steak cooked on the grill by my fantastic Dad. Honey glaze, little crunch. Perfection!

Deviled eggs from Mom. She added jalepeno, but I would leave that out. So perfect and traditional.

Quinoa, tossed with lemon juice, red onion, salt, diced cucumber, diced celery and mint.

Carrot soup - sauteed sweet onion and garlic, boiled with chicken stock, water, carrots then transferred to food processor until pureed. Served with sour cream and mint.

Green beans and red onion stir fried in EVOO

Fresh whole wheat French bread

Zucchini bites - 1-inch slices of zucchini halfway hollowed, tossed in olive oil, thyme and basil, topped with cherry tomatoes tossed in the same. roasted at 425 for 25 minutes. Careful, tomatoes smoke the oven.

Sugar free pistachio and lemon pudding with graham cracker, splenda brown sugar mix parfaits for dessert.

Lots of champagne, beer, red and white wine. We had all our alcohol bases covered.

Snapshot

Social Media is an interesting thing. I've been reading how parents aren't allowing their kids online because it harms self esteem and can make kids compare themselves to what they read about others online. Perhaps because I'm an adult and not in high school, I find it to be the opposite result. I have a poor self esteem issue - always have. But I've been focusing on the good in my life and doing what I need to do to make myself happy. It's working. And - this is going to sound terrible - FBland is helping.

It really became obvious while everyone's family Easter pictures popped up online last night. Kids in tights, big smiles, running around picking up eggs, big family moments. Person after person that was the hot, super fun, popular kid in high school who everyone wanted to be is now married in the burbs with multiple kids. And they look totally happy, so good for them. But it sounds like my personal version of hell. And none of those super skinny hot bodies exist anymore. None!

I, on the other hand, cooked a super healthy, diabetic Easter for my Mom, Dad, Bro and Sis in Law and Boo all in our apt! That 900 sq feet has never felt smaller, but it was perfect. I had one of those moments where I looked around the table at my amazing boyfriend and us together hosting my family in our home, and the table full of good food, the laughing, joking, drinking and got a little teary-eyed. (We polished off a few bottles). It was a moment I put on pause, took a mental picture and am carrying around with me. I couldn't have painted it better. I love my urban living, my home (which is almost fully decorated), my relationship, my business, my Misty-Miss. I am a super lucky, blessed girl and I wouldn't trade my life with anyone.

You can't see the future when you're in high school, or even college for that matter. But hopefully I can help my kids (when that time actually comes around to have them) feel confident in their decisions and the life they choose to live. I wouldn't trade places with anyone!

Ode to the Poor

May I just be frank? Money sucks. I mean, blows. We should just live on a barter system. Or somehow there's a master rating scale of how hard you work and that's how much money you make, regardless of industry or pay scale. I bust my arse and I have nothing to show fiscally to show for it. I do have to clarify "fiscally" because there is quite a bit of fantasticness, just no money.

I overdrew my account for the first time in years this last week. Because I do not receive a paycheck. I just didn't realize the gas here, the groceries there, the SF red bull here and here - and poof! Throw in a car payment and my account is empty.

Ugh!

Outsourced

Have you ever seen the TV show "Outsourced?" I haven't, but I'm curious if it's funny or frustrating to watch. I, personally, just had an incredibly frustrating customer service phone call, no doubt an outsourced call, for my Satellite radio in my car. I'm just trying to continue service once my trail is over.

I don't fully blame the girl on the other end. She couldn't understand my sentence structure and I couldn't understand her English. Not entirely her fault. However, that doesn't make it any easier or less confusing. I ended up repeating the same sentence, rewording it as many ways as I could think, no less than six times. She didn't get. Again and again and again. She didn't get it.

Once my blood was boiling, I was close to a raised voice, we landed on the same page. I'm pretty sure this could all be avoided and a few more jobs created at home. I'd much rather listen to someone talking to me out of the gap in their teeth and telling me I "sound purdy" than deal with the language barrier every single time I need to change service on my air conditioning, radio or television.

Dear God

Thank you for today.

- Amen

In my Heart

My Mom asked me this morning for the words I said at my Mamaw's funeral. Re-reading them makes me a little sad, but also makes me remember how much I loved her. Our family just finished cleaning out the estate and selling the house so now I have items all over my home that were hers - things just to look at and things I use every day. They all keep her and my Papaw's memory alive in my heart and my daily life.

Here's what I shared:

I grew up spending vacations, holidays and 3-day weekends with Mamaw & Papaw. I remember sun tea brewing by the pool and getting lunch on plastic plates under the umbrella table. Mamaw & Papaw’s house meant riding the train, going to the zoo and riding the skytram, playing in the pool and food. There were always meals. We ate at every table in the house and every meal was an occasion.

Now that we’re older, when Mamaw got sick, I was hesitant to hang out with her for hours each week. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my grandmother the whole time.

I was actually really shocked to find out what a smart-alec she was. She was hilarious. She had this dry wit and would come out of nowhere with these comments. I remember in the ER over Christmas the nurse taking forever to do something and she sat there and rolled her eyes behind the nurses back and we held back our snickers. Mom said the second the tube came out the first time she was intubated she could barely speak, but she made sure Mom heard her and said, “Don’t do that again.” It was kind of shocking to see that side of Mamaw.

I think Mamaw spent most of her life being proper. But towards the end, when she’d lost all of her pride, I saw her as this real person. She was funny and she had a sharp wit. She loved having afternoon tea, her favorite was green tea. She loved Atkins chocolate coconut bars and Pirates Booty. She liked to watch Golden Girls. She loved spending time with her family. Her face would literally light up every week when I came to see her. We would sit for hours and talk. We chatted about runway shows and how many women did Tiger Woods really cheat with. I wasn’t her nurse and I didn’t help her with anything medical, but we became friends.

I held her hand when she was sad over Nellie and I hugged her when she missed Papaw. I covered her walls with pictures of her family and made sure she told every nurse that came by about each person on the wall. We bonded over diabetic snacks. She shared stories about her life before Papaw I’d never heard before. I miss her.

Last Saturday I celebrated my 30th birthday at home. I was able to see her calm and peaceful - completely happy and content. She talked about the birds feeding schedules outside her window and how great the food was at her new digs. She bowed her head to pray with us and sat calmly across the hall while we ate dinner. And every time we’d look over at her she’d give us a thumbs up and occasionally yell over that she couldn’t hear a thing we were saying. I sat down and played piano for her for an hour. And we just talked. She looked at me and said, “I know I don’t have much longer, but I’m so grateful for being home.” She was happy. She knew. And she was ready.

I will forever cherish the fact that I was able to see her as more than the Mamaw that put salt on her watermelon and was back in the kitchen fixing the next meal the very second we finished the first.

I have two favorite verses: 1 Cor 13:13 and Phil 1:3. Chapter 13 of Corinthians is known as the Love chapter. I have never seen two people that better exemplify love than Mamaw & Papaw. I hope that one day I can set that example for the generations beyond me. It isn’t a coincidence that she joined Papaw in time for their 63rd wedding anniversary. She wanted to be with him again. And perhaps my all-time favorite is Phil 1:3. I thank My God every time I remember you. And I do.

The Letter

I went to a breakfast this morning for my alma mater to hear the football coach speak. I don't attend a lot of alumni events, but I've heard here and there that's he's a very spiritual man, a genuine man and a truly loving man. So I was looking forward to seeing him off the sidelines. I was so impressed listening to him speak this morning. It was well worth the 5 o'clock hour wake-up.

He outlined six daily keys to succeed. Not keys to success, but to succeed as your best self. I'm going to put that in a blog on my company site. But the most impressive part to me was his story about Elvis, by way of Wayne Newton.

He had a chance to meet Wayne Newton, who was a huge Elvis fan and memorabilia collector. Apparently, the night before Elvis died, he was at the Las Vegas Hilton. He returned home and died 24 hours later. As the cleaning ladies were touching up his hotel room, they saved the crumpled pieces of paper with notes and lyrics. Wayne Newton spent thousands at an auction buying these papers and framed them behind his desk. When he fell on hard times, he took Elvis' final words and put them to music. The Coach saw him perform this song, and was given this story firsthand. He was so moved by the song that typed out the letter himself and carries it around as a daily reminder every day since.

Years later, when he had the chance to meet Wayne again, Wayne wrote a personal note to the Coach on this letter that he still carried around. The following video is the best I could find and it isn't able to embed, only link. So check it out. But I'll type the lyrics below anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNFfy2v5IGE

"The Letter"

One more phone call from a friend

Just to say how hard it’s been
How their hopes and dreams have scattered
With the wind
They don’t see that I’m there too
How it breaks my heart in two
Just to make it through this night’s all I can do

Help me Lord
I need the son to drive away
The shadows in my mind
Help me Lord
I need someone to guide me
When the path is hard to find
Even though the crowd surrounds me
I’m still standing all alone
When I know I can’t go on
Help me Lord

As I awake again today
And my pain won’t go away
And the face I have to wear
Shows a smile
Now my nights are so alone
I just wish I could go home
I don’t know if I can make it another mile

Help me Lord
I need the son to drive away
The shadows in my mind
Please help me Lord
I need someone to guide me
When the path is hard to find
Even though the crowd surrounds me
I’m still standing all alone
When I know I can’t go on
Help me Lord

I feel so alone sometimes
The night is quiet for me
I’d love to be able to sleep
I am glad that everyone is gone now
I’ll probably not rest tonight
I have no need for all of this
Help me Lord

Help me Lord
I need the son to drive away
The shadows in my mind
Please help me Lord
I need someone to guide me
When the path is hard to find
Even though the crowd surrounds me
God I am so all alone
When I know I can’t go on
Help me Lord

Won’t you come and take me home
Help me Lord

Spring Happy Face Playlist

This is a super peppy, fun and yet laid back playlist perfect for a sun-filled day:

"Lovers Carving" - Bibio

"Two Weeks" - Grizzly Bear

"Windows Are Rolled Down" - Amos Lee

"Life in Technicolor ii" - Coldplay

"Grey Street" - Dave Matthews Band

"Good Life" - OneRepublic

"Robot Boy" - Linkin Park

"Waiting for the End" - Linkin Park

"Trust" - Generationals

"Little Lion Man" - Mumford & Sons

"Lie in Our Graves" - Dave Matthews Band

"Lisztomania" - Phoenix

"This Love" - Maroon 5

"An Honest Mistake" - The Bravery

"Club Can't Handle Me " - Flo Rida

"Like A G6 (feat. Cataracs & Dev)" - Far East Movement

"Bad Romance" - Lady Gaga

"Dog Days Are Over" - Florence + The Machine

"Alive" - Black Eyed Peas

"Work It Out (NuMix Main)" - Dave Matthews Band

"American Boy (feat Kanye West)" - Estelle

"Beautiful Is Gone" - The Ruse

"Best Friend (Remix)" - Olivia & 50 Cent

"Black and Gold" - Katy Perry

"Chelsea Dagger" - The Fratellis

"What the Hell" - Avril Lavigne

"Secrets" - OneRepublic

"Where Are You Going" - Dave Matthews Band

"Girlfriend" - Phoenix

"Love, Save the Empty" - Erin McCarley

"Take Me On the Floor" - The Veronicas

"Kit Kat Jam" - Dave Matthews Band

You're Welcome.

To The Man I Used to Know

This song came on the radio this morning on my way to work. I'd never heard it before, but it really struck me. And I wanted to post it. I wanted to post it for the man that used to be in my life. There was a time when I loved him greatly. And now I hope he's happy, healthy and figured some things out. But this song is for him.

Indulge Me

Pardon me for a brief moment, but I must put it down on "paper." It makes me more accountable. I am on a diet. I mean, I am a girl, after all. Aren't we always on a diet? I've been on one since I was 16.

Before Diagnosis (BD) I've spent the better part of the last six years between 130-135 lbs. Not a bad place. Not good, but not bad. Better than average. After Diagnosis (AD) I was 124. For the first time in years I liked what I saw in the mirror; however, I was dying from the inside out. Drats.

Since then, I still don't know how to work out and keep my blood sugar in check, so I barely do, I've opened the store which is stressful, long hours and odd eating, and I've taken up to drinking wine to relax. Lots of wine. I woke up at 142 lbs. Uh-oh. Not just that, my waist AD was 26". Unrealistic? Probably, so I'd settle for 27" give or take a 1/4. Well, all of a sudden I'm 28.5"

I've been dieting now hardcore for four days, lightly for a couple weeks and been walking/jogging here and there for a couple more. And I'm down 1/2" and 3 lbs!!!

This is completely self-indulgent, but I had to put it down. Now I can't backslide. By my 31st bday, I will be at goal! Mark my text. And thanks for not hating my super, uber girly, obsessive side. We all do it - I'm just putting it out there.

Brunchtime Fun

I love Sunday Brunch. I might love Sat Brunch a little more, because I kind of wish I'd gone to church on Sunday. Regardless - I love Brunch. It's a weekly NYC tradition for the masses, but here it's harder to find. And I have found a new fav location.

I will always love the little Italian house, but it's such a scene. I mean - hours of a wait amongst the pretty people. Gross. But the food is good and the mimosas are $1. Well, now I have a new favorite place. It's off the beaten path, as yet undiscovered and has $2 mimosas and an amazing affordable menu. I couldn't have a bigger crush.

Sunday, my best girls and I did it in style. We had a good brunch and enjoyed company. But then three of us remained for HOURS, making friends with everyone on the patio, enjoying the lovliness that is champagne and oj.

This is one of my best friends Jen. I love Jen. We call her Hot Jen. You can see why. But this is not Jen's dog. And the guy in the background? Actually laughing at the fact that Jen is claiming and loving on someone else's dog as her own. You could say we had fun.

Open Letter

Dear Know-It-All-Sports-Guy,

By sheer right of birth, you are expected to know more about sports than me, and in most cases it is so. But due to my current profession of choice, I spend day after hour-filled day with ESPN in the background. I am bound to absorb some of it. And, different from the rest of my female kind, I totally dig sports. I love watching, cheering, knowing pointless facts, shit-talking and all around sports team love and pride. I know. I am an anomaly.

You, however, are a jerk-face. First of all, thank you for talking to me like I'm some part-time college dropout who only knows how to use the basic functions of a cash register. Also, thank you for pointing out that you, too, would have opened this store if you didn't have other things in life that take up your time. You thought of the idea five years ago. (I am so behind the curve).

I am glad you have heard of every label in my store. And even happier you feel the need to ask me questions, only to cut me off and answer for me. I assume this is so your girlfriend will think you're cool. Also, she isn't even paying attention to our conversation because she hates sports and is checking out the jewelry. Please, speak louder to get her attention.

Also, I appreciate you rubbing your hands all over my Authentic $300 home jersey for the local MLB hero. It's white. You're probably dirty. I am annoyed.

Oh, but it was very nice of you, before you put your aviators on and departed out the door, to shockingly realize that it was my store. It was subtle - "Oh! This is YOUR store?" (he said with ugly face as he couldn't fathom how the part-time girl became the owner). "How old are you?" (he said with even uglier face when he realized I'm not much younger than him).

Dude, you are a fail.

Open Letter to Dallas

I apologize for the rain. It is my fault and I am sorry you have to deal with my issues on your way to work and throughout your now dreary day. I am so deep in 96 hours of "truly dark and twisty/drowning in my own life" that it appears I managed to force all of my misery outward into the universe. It met back up in the sky and is now pouring down over the city. For that, I am very sorry.

That is all.

Vin, s'il vous plait

Today is a horrible, no good, very bad day. Humph.

Anxiety attack before bed. Restless sleep. On the phone with tech support for 2.5 hours. Exhausted from physically re-arranging the entire store. Over it.

I don't think a "humph" does it. I think I need a good "hurrumph!" That sounds more emphatic.

Hurrumph!

Clean It Out - All of it!

Happy Sunshiney Holiday! Well, I'm at work, but most of the country is on holiday today. Enjoy, my friends. Minus the crazy wind tunnels and my allergies making me miserable, I can see that it is a beautiful day!

It's the change of season, which, minus the allergy illness, gets me so pumped for Spring. It's this automatic reaction to just start cleaning things out. I've dumped a couple pair of shoes, a couple tops, 50 CDs and convinced Boo to clean out about ten shirts he never wears. Feels so good to donate and clean it all out! That and I found an amazing deal today. $24 on a $204 dress. Are you kidding? Fantabulous! So I'm filling in the holes, but with cuter newer stuff.

We're even cleaning out at the store. There's a whole corner marked at half off. I found great stuff at Market and want to bring it all in! But I need to move some of my previous store buying items. Apparently, dresses are not the ideal item up here in Plano. Who knew?

I'm even cleaning myself out! Time to shed the winter poundage I've acquired. It's only like, 5 lbs, but I vow to lose 10! Or at the very least tone up this 30-year old belly of mine. I hate my "older" body. I've grown hips in the last year. Where did they come from? Well, regardless - I'm cleaning off some pounds. Less wine, walking on the trail, crunches, eating well, no dessert - clean it out!

It's Spring Cleanse time! What are you going get rid of?

Sleet Storm

Apparently life wasn't going to slow down any time soon, so God gave me a snow storm. It's my taking control of the situation instead of letting it whip me up inside and carry me along for the ride. That's the definition of my life lately. Whipped along. Or maybe whirred along. Whipped sounds almost pleasant, like dessert.

I began greeting the sleet storm with anxiety. How am I going to pay rent if I start off the month without sales? What if someone wants to buy Superbowl gear? What if I miss my UPS shipment? I was unnerved before even showering Tuesday, ultimately spending the day at home. I stressed my way through what should have been a relaxing coffee and breakfast at a local restaurant. I came home, crawled back in bed and read my new favorite book. Miracle author.

I have now spent two days relaxing and being a normal person again. I did all the laundry, cleaned, cooked, marinated, did my nails, napped, slept a full night, cuddled with the dog, watched tv and even worked! I guess I didn't relax so much, but having the time to do all of that is relaxing to me.

I am so incredibly grateful for this storm.

Mellow Yellow

Today is a day of mellow-ness. Could be the cloudiness outside; could be the music; could be the chill in the air, my exhaustion, arguing with the boy last night, crying myself to sleep... It's a mellow kind of day.

Topic One: Work

I worked ten days in a row, had one off and am back for day two in a row now. Lucky me, I get one day off tomorrow before another six in a row. I'm going to fall over. My everything hurts. But it's January and I'm in an outdoor center and people aren't shopping. I'm working because we can't afford to pay anyone else too. Although the girl that owns the store just down the way said she basically takes January off for sanity and pays other people to work just because. Maybe next year.

On my one day off tomorrow I'm taking old CDs to Half Price Books and getting a chair massage. Twenty minutes. They always have a chair massage. And then maybe they'll give me a little dough to use for my hh/half price dinner date with my friend Jill. I haven't seen Jill since she and my boyfriend's friend broke up. Oops. I'm also going to clean my car, pick up my dry cleaning and go grocery shopping. And hopefully sleep in. Maybe see a movie. It's my day. I need it desperately.

Topic Two: Friend

I love, love my super fabulous LA bestie. She was in town this last weekend and I spent every second of my off-work time with her. She was on my couch, so that's kind of obvious. I have not laughed that hard and felt that carefree and just really had fun in seriously over a year. No joke. I needed her to be here and spend time with me. I needed that release. I needed that friendship. I don't even know if we were that silly before, but I wish we were. I'd like to believe we were, even if I don't remember ever laughing that much in my life. Smiles and rainbows!

Topic Three: Fighting

Is there such a thing as healthy fighting in a relationship? I'm terrified of arguing since my last defective relationship. And the bummer is, I now feel like if I cave in or change anything about myself, then I'm going to automatically spiral into another controlling and abusive situation. So we argue. And I won't budge.

He always caves. He's sweet. And he wants everything to be OK. And he loves me. And I always let go and maybe even change an inch, but there has to be something negative about all the arguing. Yes - we opened a business. Yes - we moved in together. Yes - I'm sick. Yes - we're under constant financial stress. So we have a lot going on. More than any other dating couple I know. The crap we're dealing with is, like, year five plus of marriage. But I just want it to be easier. And I want to stop arguing.

Again, is there a healthy way to fight? Or can a relationship still be considered healthy if there's a lot of arguing?

Sipping coffee, listening to U2, sore, tired, incredibly achey. Mellow.

Let me just get this off my chest:

My new car and I would like to get something out there. It was a burden for the Jeep, but is a super pain now that I have a sportier car that has a desire to take on the open road. So, therefore, this must be said:

If you can't operate your vehicle at or above the speed limit, please remove yourself from the left lane.

If you can't maintain speed, utilize cruise control. Do not fly past me and then allow me to run up on you like a roadrunner on a snail.

If you're texting on your phone, get off the road - at least get off the road that I'm on.

Now, I've noticed that when I leave for work on time there's less traffic on the road. This allows me to never use my brakes, get here in 20 minutes and lose the lockjaw and neck tension that comes from driving on the road with the idiots on the tollroad around 9:30AM. But that's for me to take up with myself.

When the road isn't cluttered with incredibly stupid people, I am able to enjoy my satelite radio comfy seat with bun warmer. Otherwise, I miss out on the great music opportunities, too focused on getting to work in less than 40 minutes trying to drive around the brainless operators surrounding me.

So - general public - stop being so entitled. Well, stop being so entitled in general, but definitely on the road. There are a lot of other people out there with you. Act like it. Pay attention. And start thinking about someone else out there and how your incredibly bad driving affects so many other people in a day.

Happy

I'm happy. And that makes me happy.

Let me explain.

I've spent almost a year feeling like I couldn't be happy. That even when things were fun and I was enjoying myself, I was struggling under the pressure of all the stress in my life. So many things had happened to and around me that it was hard to feel happy or excited about anything. Everything, including getting dressed in the morning or drinks with friends, felt like crossing off a to do list. So to truly feel happy - which I have on more than one occasion over the last couple weeks - is something that in and of itself makes me happy!

I'm able to get that elated feel with a favorite song, happy memories from certain melodies. I'm enjoying work, no matter the hours. I'm looking forward to a night with friends, celebrating this last year. I enjoy cooking again and creating something new in the kitchen. I had relegated to leftovers and ordering in. No more.

Just today - I woke up and made my cinnamon hazelnut coffee (happy) and got dressed in my Uggs and a super cute leggings and BCBG tank with Rory earrings and Iisli cardi (happy). I listened to a fav song on repeat while driving my new car (happy). I'm watching NFL playoffs drinking tea at work (happy) and ordering really cute clothes for the store for each winning team (happy). I made a sugar free jello, fresh fruit, cool whip, rum dessert last night to share with friends (happy) and am taking it to Slideshow tonight (super happy). And next weekend is wedding fun for a close friend and the weekend after for another and my bestie from LA comes in town to visit (happy, happy, happy).

Being happy makes me so happy!

Winter Quiet

The awning shudders in the wind.

The bushes hang heavy under the pressure of the ice.

Inside the heater tries to overcome the chill seeping from around the door and windows.

The Christmas lights wrapped tight around the trees outside seem abandoned. Darkened for the winter.

Hands shoved deep into pockets, heads down, swaddled in coats, gloves, scarves and boots, people hasten to their location, eager to get back indoors.

Even the music is melancholy.

It's quiet up here.

Quiet.

Cheers!

Cheers to a New Year full of hope and promise, prosperity and adventure. My New Years Resolutions:

1) Stress less

2) Take care of myself (eat right, healthy exercise, less stress)

3) Appreciate the relationships in my life

Now let's talk #3: I haven't had many girl friends in my life that I will forever hold onto. In fact, there are two chicas camped out in NYC and one in LA, but other than that, I face constant disappointment and issues with women in my life. So, with new women as the girlfriends, fiances and wives of Boo's friends, I will focus on building genuine relationships with them. As well as Boo. Our lives are so full of chaos and stress with everything thrown at us in the last year that if we've made it this far, we will make it forever. But we take each other for granted and aren't always as nice as we could be. And we don't focus really on our relationship all the time, instead of just living together and working together and waking up and going to bed. The end.

So here it is 2011: my self betterment resolutions are going to end up focusing on other people and truly getting to know them, spend time with them and invest in them. Making myself trust in people and put myself out there in order to build new relationships and grow current friendships into something great.

What's yours?

Here She Is!

Meet Norah, my new Jetta. Or rather, Nora is the woman inside of my new Jetta that talks to me. My new fabulous bluetooth that I'm learning. Norah is certainly polite, but she definitely does not know what I am asking her to do....ever! She's almost called people on my call list that I weren't even sure were still there! And her pronunciation is so far off I can't comprehend the people she's apparently calling correctly. We don't get along so well. But we will. I leased her for four years, so we have some time to get to know one another.

Isn't she beautiful? She's a dark grey with a black leatherette interior. Yes, leatherette, which is apparently the standard in all Audi's and BMW's now as well. So rock on with that leatherette! It smells amazing and the seat is so comfortable and it has touchscreen Satellite radio!! I just can't. Coffeehouse and I are getting along fabulously (much better than Norah and me). Sunroof open, seat back with the bun warmer on; Misty even curled up in the seat, sniffing the air every now and then, taking in the scent.

I feel like such an adult in my new car, but this thing is sporty. The suspension is tight and it can zip and zoom. I love, love it. And did I mention that it smells incredible?

The Jeep was my final piece to my past that I unloaded. I read a quote today from a friend saying that you should unload something from the past every day. Well, this year I unloaded a car! And it feels so good. (and smells even better).

I'm a Pro

Go ahead. Ask me anything about fashion. I am a fashion professional. I am not only hosting an intern from the local university this next semester, teaching them the ways about the fashion world and how to run your own store, but I have now been asked to speak as a professional to the local high school!! Yikes! But so super cool.

Nice pat on the back. I must say...

Foreign World

OMG. I had a nervous breakdown last night. I am trying to buy a new car and I must say - holy stressful, Batman! I spent six hours Friday test driving and looking and pretty much landed on a car. I've been in an SUV for a decade and I love it, but I need better fuel efficiency and gas ain't gettin' any cheaper. I am also poor and recovering from a poor credit background. Not so much anymore, but they still don't like me too much at banks.

So here's the deal: I am a brat and want what I want. I want to be comfortable with my seat warmer, I must have a sun roof. Bluetooth and IPod are fairly standard on newer cars. So there we have it. I've landed on a dealership of choice and a car of choice, and then they show me the upgrade with the Navigation. Seriously? Now I want that one. I want my car to talk to me! But I can't afford it.

Three plus hours of sitting in an office, crunching numbers, going back and forth, I finally walked out. I couldn't do it. It was too much. I held my breath, got my keys back and bawled as I walked to my Jeep. It was so overwhelming. Today, I try again. I'm holding out and waiting for them to contact me with a better offer. If not, I will eventually call and accept the original car I wanted (minus Nav).

See, I just had my car appraised and I thought it was worth about $8500. Turns out it's more like $5000. And I owe $10000. Shit. They practically offered what I thought it was worth, gave me a 4.9% interest rate and I just can't walk away. No one else is going to find me as attractive.

So, German engineering, I hope to be driving you to my place this evening. The suspension was tight, the seat comfortable, the acceleration amazing. I hope there isn't a speeding ticket in my future. But I'm ready for some Satellite radio, sunroof and seat heater and a cruise on the highway tonight.

Bring it!