Holding On

The human body is an interesting thing. Incredibly complex, yet surprisingly simple. When you need water, you get thirsty. When you need food, you get hungry. When you need sleep, you get tired. But what happens to tell you that you just need a break? What's the warning sign before it's too late.

I missed all of the apparent signs, although looking back I think I can see them popping up along the way. But nonetheless, I now find myself careening over the edge and holding on for dear life. It's scary knowing that if you let go just one bit, you may fall so far you can't see the bottom. I've been at the bottom and I do not want to go back.

When I was tired no matter how much sleep I got, I should have seen it coming. And when my fuse was so short I found myself irritated most of the day about anything from a car on the tollroad to the dog taking too long to go to the bathroom at night. And I definitely should have known something was wrong when I couldn't control my emotions. In a fight I lost control and flew into a blind rage. And at a sweet commercial, I cried.

Of course - all of those aren't just warning signs to a total breakdown, they're symptoms of over-working, stress and no emotional support system. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

All of our efforts have gone into the store. And it's successful. It's amazingly successful and I'm busting with joy and pride! And we finally figured out how to get along as business partners. But then we looked up and our relationship was broken. We're barely roommates and not good ones at that. I like things clean, organized, picked up and home cooked. And he's always out, I go to bed alone, and he's a disaster. Now - none of these personal idiosyncrasies matter when you have a happy, healthy relationship to balance it out. People are different and the basis of a relationship is learning to communicate and live with someone else. But when those differences are all you have, when there isn't an emotional relationship underneath anymore, then what are you left with?

Simultaneously, if a bump in a relationship road was all I was dealing with, I could handle that as well. We're in better shape than most people I know that claim to be happy. We talk, we listen and we manage to spend almost every single minute of every day together without killing each other. But there's something missing and I don't know how to get it back. And if I wasn't spending my life, focus and energy at work, then maybe I'd have more to give at home. If I wasn't sick, I'd go out more and probably have more friends and a bit more fun. But I do work. And I am sick. So I have to balance.

Add it all up, and I have packed a bag, food for the dog, a bottle of wine and I'm headed away for a couple days. I remembered my phone charger, but I don't know if I'm going to even use it. I need silence. I need to get away. I need to cry. I need to think. And I need to take care of me before it really is too late. Because I'm holding on to that edge as hard as I can.