I almost cried even as it came out of my mouth about an hour ago. Not because I'm unhappy, but because it's true. I can't allow myself to experience too much good, because it's inevitably followed by bad. Each smile will be countered with tears. Every hug comes before someone throws a verbal punch. I am a broken, hardened and saddened person ... and I just realized it an hour ago.
How did I realize this? Simple. It's coming. And I can't seem to do anything to stop it. The dreaded bday is approaching. It's not my favorite time of year for multiple reasons - too many expectations, not enough friends and the inevitable let down. Plus, what's to celebrate about 31? Life achievements? Plenty, but the number just kind of sucks.
The plans are low key and the knowledge that people won't come leaves me exposed and self conscious. If they were never invited to something, then they wouldn't have to turn it down. What a terrible way to think, but I do.
So many amazing things have happened in the last week. I've been given huge gifts and am experiencing stellar perks of the job. I should be jumping out of my skin with excitement, but I can't seem to shake the stress and doubt. What bad thing is going to happen to counteract all this good? As I said, I'm afraid to be happy. Is there a cure?
I was able to relax and enjoy time alone, which truly made me happy. But it took escaping alone from everything and everyone. And even then, my final night ended with an hour argument/discussion/decision over the phone. I cried and yelled and then cried again because my perfect, quiet and stress free getaway was taken away. I took a jacuzzi and a Tylenol PM and slept it off. Awoke the next day same as before I ever stole away.
I so desire that feeling of enjoying a moment, of pure relaxation and elation from realizing that the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day and your favorite song came on the radio. Or even that it's a stormy, overcast day and I love the romantic thunder and lightening of it all. But I don't. I don't feel that. I always worry what will happen next and how am I going to handle it. What lead me here and how do I get out? Again, I ask: is there a cure?
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