Happy List

Clean spaces make me happy! As does cuddling, my new obsession with Chobani yogurt, clothes, fashion, celebrity gossip and my selection of brainless shows and most definitely my impending trip to The City of Angels in 3 days! I'm dreaming of what to pack because the high is in the 70s! The 70s!!! I can't wait. I enviously scour pictures of fashionable celebs in their layers and boots, cardis and hats and think - how in the world can they wear that? Oh, well it isn't 100-degrees for double-digit days in a row out there. I am seriously considering a relocation right about now.

Let me just get this off my chest:

My new car and I would like to get something out there. It was a burden for the Jeep, but is a super pain now that I have a sportier car that has a desire to take on the open road. So, therefore, this must be said:

If you can't operate your vehicle at or above the speed limit, please remove yourself from the left lane.

If you can't maintain speed, utilize cruise control. Do not fly past me and then allow me to run up on you like a roadrunner on a snail.

If you're texting on your phone, get off the road - at least get off the road that I'm on.

Now, I've noticed that when I leave for work on time there's less traffic on the road. This allows me to never use my brakes, get here in 20 minutes and lose the lockjaw and neck tension that comes from driving on the road with the idiots on the tollroad around 9:30AM. But that's for me to take up with myself.

When the road isn't cluttered with incredibly stupid people, I am able to enjoy my satelite radio comfy seat with bun warmer. Otherwise, I miss out on the great music opportunities, too focused on getting to work in less than 40 minutes trying to drive around the brainless operators surrounding me.

So - general public - stop being so entitled. Well, stop being so entitled in general, but definitely on the road. There are a lot of other people out there with you. Act like it. Pay attention. And start thinking about someone else out there and how your incredibly bad driving affects so many other people in a day.

Happy

I'm happy. And that makes me happy.

Let me explain.

I've spent almost a year feeling like I couldn't be happy. That even when things were fun and I was enjoying myself, I was struggling under the pressure of all the stress in my life. So many things had happened to and around me that it was hard to feel happy or excited about anything. Everything, including getting dressed in the morning or drinks with friends, felt like crossing off a to do list. So to truly feel happy - which I have on more than one occasion over the last couple weeks - is something that in and of itself makes me happy!

I'm able to get that elated feel with a favorite song, happy memories from certain melodies. I'm enjoying work, no matter the hours. I'm looking forward to a night with friends, celebrating this last year. I enjoy cooking again and creating something new in the kitchen. I had relegated to leftovers and ordering in. No more.

Just today - I woke up and made my cinnamon hazelnut coffee (happy) and got dressed in my Uggs and a super cute leggings and BCBG tank with Rory earrings and Iisli cardi (happy). I listened to a fav song on repeat while driving my new car (happy). I'm watching NFL playoffs drinking tea at work (happy) and ordering really cute clothes for the store for each winning team (happy). I made a sugar free jello, fresh fruit, cool whip, rum dessert last night to share with friends (happy) and am taking it to Slideshow tonight (super happy). And next weekend is wedding fun for a close friend and the weekend after for another and my bestie from LA comes in town to visit (happy, happy, happy).

Being happy makes me so happy!

Things that make me smile today

1. Winter candle from Bath & Body Works

2. Manheim Steamroller "Carol the Bells" (always been a fav since I was little)

3. Glee Christmas "Welcome Christmas"

4. Cold weather

5. A weekend off

6. Shopping this weekend for presents

7. My mom's present: Christmas tea at the Arboretum next week

8. My ET "Spencer" boots

9. My SMU baseball tee

10. Painting my nails red

11. Our Christmas tree at home and in-store

12. My seat warmers

13. Working with Nicole

14. Champagne with Molls last night and at the store today

15. Upcoming bowl games!

16. White Cheddar Rice Cakes

17. Cherry Almond Zone Bars

18. Lunch just the family girls next week at Seasons

19. Having so many things that make me smile

20. Scotty's Bday party tomorrow night!

21. Baking a cake and making appetizers (and having the time to do so) tomorrow

22. Misty at work with me today

23. Having a Friday night off to be with Boo

Joyous Occasion

Holy toes hurt, batman. I have been on my feet all day. And even though I'm in my comfy flat boots, I am tired. I've sold 4.8x goal for the day and caught us back up for the month after a tornado-y, rainy, no sale weekend. Thanks for that whole "biggest baseball game of the year" thing Rangers. It's paying my rent in sales!

But there is way more to be excited about than that. This week on Thursday I will have been a Type-1 diabetic for one year. As well, I will have been in a happy, healthy relationship for two years. Both on the same day. And Saturday I walk a 5K for the ADA and have beat my fundraising goals already. Also, I just learned my favoritest, cheap NYC store is opening locally Fall of next year AND I have a trip to NYC next weekend!

My bestie and I have been emailing plans back and forth. So far I land Sat morning (used points) and we head to brunch with the old Jones crew. Then we wander and do whatever, hit up a local new wine bar just opened in Billyburg and find a neighborhood for drinks that night so I can let anyone and everyone know to say hello! Sunday we do a nice dinner the two of us and I have all day Monday to wander, shop, grab street meat and just enjoy being back. I miss that city so much I could cry (& have).

And the store is a real, true store. It's actually working and coming together and we're getting press and word of mouth is spreading like wildfire. I would never have had the guts to do this or the motivation without Boo; well, and actually without diabetes. When you have to change everything about your life into a fight for survival you learn that you can fight for anything and my dreams were worth fighting for. What a great year.

Yes, the true calendar starts over at NYE every year, but for me I'm about to turn a year old. And I couldn't be happier about this last year and where it's brought me personally, socially, romantically - everything! So I suppose Happy Bday to me. I'm going to celebrate right now by closing up shop, going home, ordering in from our fav local tapas restaurant and curling up on the couch for some DVR with the boy.

Bummed

So I guess this is what I always wanted this to be - an online journal for my thoughts that I can get out there in a way that I feel like maybe I'm venting, but really it's just getting everything out to no one. It gives me a way to see my life and how I feel at a particular instance without the clouds of influence and perception in my own head. And that's what this is. That's what this is when one person has looked at my blog in 6 weeks.

The narcissistic side of me just got a black eye, but then I can see my original intent and it also frees me to write whatever I truly feel without worrying about the repercussions of anyone else seeing it.

So here it is: Bummed, bummed, bummed. Tonight I am bummed. I could not have been more excited about getting a sushi dinner with the girls or one girl or any girl. The boy is traveling and there is a huge difference in making my own plans and not thinking about when I'm coming home, or waking him up or answering texts. Just me on my own. And I'm closing at the store the next two nights so this was it. Sushi dinner night. And it was canceled. And not in time to make other plans, but in time to spend $40 on sushi delivery from the closest place I could find, wait an hour on the couch and sit with the dog. (who, by the way, has already gone to bed in the other room).

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Actually, yes. I work my ass of and can't go out ever. I basically gave up my favorite food because my boyfriend is allergic. I'll spend the next two nights at work, crawling home to grab a bite to eat and crash in bed to return the next day. I had one night. Is that everyone else's problem? Not at all. Should they focus on me? No, not really. So the only thing to do is make better plans next time and pray the boy finds a reason to travel. Or just get over my issues of feeling like I have to make him happy all the time.

Don't feed the bears

I mean, enough with today. You know those days where you just can't shake the bad mood, no matter what good happens?

I will preface with PMS. Yes, it is here. Yes, it makes me pissy, sensitive, moody and bloated, which also makes me pissy, sensitive and moody. I tried on four things this morning. Pants that should not be tight were tight. It's not a great start to the day.

Changing clothes lead to me being late. Also because I decided one of my mood lifters would be a gourmet caprese salad for lunch today. And I definitely enjoyed eating it at work! And I made a pot of my new farmer's market coffee, which was also fantastic and helped a wee bit, but took extra time this morning.

Add that we had terrible sales this weekend and it's the first full weekend I've been away from the store - Sucks. If you want something done right... So I've now resigned myself to the fact that I will always be in the store. And how is it that when I'm not here a Saturday sees less than $300 and on a Monday (our typically slowest day of the week) I've doubled that. Seriously? Seriously. I just can't.

I'm working on pitching all of our events, not to mention creating and planning all of the events, and my business partner/boyfriend/pain in the neck lectures me that we need to find ways to drive more traffic into the store. What in the hizzity hell do you think I'm doing by throwing a million parties? It certainly isn't for me, because I'm here over 12 hours on party days; I'm on my feet all day, talking up every single person and still running around managing the store and the actual event details. (bad mood increasing).

But then you get a totally unexpected surprise in your inbox - One of those that you read twice through and then go back to and read again an hour later. It just makes you sit back and take a deep breathe. I actually felt my body let out a deep breathe I've been emotionally holding for years and didn't even realize it. It made me really peaceful. (mood better).

So I sit in limbo, leaning much closer to bad mood. I want to put on sweats and sit at home on the couch eating my whole wheat Pringles or cheddar bunnies. Don't talk to me, just hand me a bottle of wine and the remote and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Or maybe even the end of the week when my clothes fit again.

A Couple of Odes

Ode to my Morning Coffee

Your scent energizes me.
Whether in bed or just out of the shower, running out the door or from the neighborhood coffee spot -
I need to smell you in the mornings.
Loaded with half and half, no sugar please.
The grandest of sizes, perfectly warmed and not too hot.
I take that first sip and feel the tension leave my shoulders.
I envision lazy afternoons with an iced version of you.
Or cold rainy days, in pjs, sipping you on the couch.
My head hurts when we don't meet. So please don't leave me.
Oh dear morning coffee -
I offer a thank you for all that you bring me each and every day.


Ode to my Clogs

I seriously love you.
You make every outfit automatically look worthy of a celebrity
A celebrity that has been wearing you for months,
Even though I just bought you on sale at Target

Ignore all those thoughts I had about you when I first saw you
I may have said you looked stupid and I would never embrace this trend
I laugh at those that wear silly styles just because someone famous puts it on
I've had a change of heart

I can't wait to wear you with wide leg pants and warm sweaters
Or skinny jeans and tunics
You make my legs look killer in my shorts today
I hope you last all season since you were definitely not expensive

But thanks for smiles and confidence
I feel like my old fashionable self when I slide my toes into you
And those 3 1/2" heels give my calves a great workout
So....thanks.

Calm, quiet start

I'm not superstitious, but I will say that every Friday the 13th things go wrong. It just so happens that way every time, but I'm not a freaky friday sort of believer. Swear. I think that this year, Thursday was my Fri the 13th. And since it was just yesterday, perhaps I'll have a great day today. After yesterday, I deserve it. Ugh...yesterday.

I'm sitting in bed with coffee and morning TV, cutting coupons and about to place a super important phone call regarding paychecks. Boo turned my alarm off and went into work for me and even told me not to rush! Ugh, amazing man. He takes care of me better than I could ask.

OK - phone call ready. Today is NOT going to be my traditional Fri the 13th. It's not. But just in case, that's why I haven't gotten out of bed yet.

Positive Energy

A friend recently posted on her new fashion blog about how lucky she was. To quote:



It was just one of those days when you wake up happy. Not just content, cheerful, or pleasant but truly H.A.P.P.Y. I’ve been in LA for 2 months working on my Hosting career. I’ve been away from my “life” working hard, submitting myself, hustling, researching, meetings, headshots, auditions, traveling, editing, emailing, phone calls, making videos, follow-ups and more. But today was a GREAT DAY... It was a day when you get to lean back and say “ahhhhhhhhhhh” with a huge sigh. There is something so satisfying to see your hard work pay off. I know I’ll have tons more things to do tomorrow, the weekend, next wk, next month. But TODAY I will bask in my work being done.



So often I forget to be grateful, forget to be excited. I allow myself to focus on the next step and forget to celebrate the little things. And friends, it's all about the little things. I am an incredibly lucky, blessed, fortunate girl and there is no reason for me to not have a smile on my face each and every day.

This has been the hardest year of my life, preceded by the second hardest year of my life. I am tired of fighting and it is about damn time to start enjoying. So here's to a happy day of truly appreciating the moments.

I am excited to watch a fav show on the telly this evening: Bananas! I am excited that we are already past goal today in the store, that a friend happened by and loved the place, that I'm going to Vegas next week, that I'm styling a fashion show next week, that Misty spends every day at work with me, that I have an artichoke waiting in the fridge for dinner tonight, that I have a bottle of bubbly with my name on it next to the artichoke, and of course that I have a fabulous family and amazing boyfriend and my own business! Today is a day to celebrate!

Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will. - Zig Ziglar

My head has spent a lot of time in my past lately, both awake and asleep. I honestly couldn't be happier. I have managed to open my own boutique and I'm going to have some press coming out soon. And it's sports! I mean, 30 is my year.

But my head....maybe because life has gotten easier. Maybe because things aren't as intense as they've been this past year. Maybe because I have one dream realized that I wonder about the other things & people I've let go along the way.

I would like to say hello, sit down and have a drink and catch up with a few people. Then again, that's what I keep doing in my head. So maybe I just want to show them all that I've got it all now that, well, I do.

Bananas!

The Southern Life

It's been so long since I sat down with my blog that I actually had to go see what I wrote last. I will admit, my last post was following two bottles of wine (not by myself). Hence how I left my phone on the table and walked away. Problem has since been solved.

Life has been so freaking busy. I like busy. I love busy. But I am definitely busy. If this store thing works out, this is the best job ever. If not, I am so up debt creek without a paddle. There is product everywhere piled in and out of boxes and strewn across rolling racks. I've lost my dining room table to the battle.

Today was another fun day of business ownership. My best gal Hot Jen and I went back to market and picked out more fantabulous accessories. We're dangerously good together at this shopping thing.

This is what about $1000 of accessories at retail looks like. All on my bed. And waiting to be entered into a POS. I wish it was waiting for me to go shopping. It's all so fun! But not for me. I only picked out one thing today....for now. I want about three more...

Life is funny. I have been through such a ridiculous roller coaster over the last couple years. 2007 seems like a decade ago. I can't believe I haven't even been back in Dallas three years. As it gets hotter out, I'm reminded of what it felt like to return from NYC. I was so used to being completely independent, coming and going when and how I want with everything accessible at all times. Then I was relegated to a car, shopping in major grocery stores, nothing specialty, nowhere to walk, having to make plans to entertain myself. I remember sitting in the pool trying to figure out how to slow down.

I went through a really rough phase when things fizzled early 2008. I made some mistakes, partied like mad (nothing compared to NYC, but then again, nothing compares to NYC), and threw myself into work, running away from any real friends. I tried to save my bad relationship for 9 months, almost missing out on the amazing man I have now.

Because of that man, I'm now putting myself out there to make new girl friends again; to really trust and invest in people. I am still a selfish brat, but I'm getting better...I think. And after a layoff, losing my Papaw, diagnosis, surgery, and every other crappy and terrible thing that's happened to me in the last year, I'm stronger than ever and opening my own business. He refuses to let me feel sorry for myself, no matter what happens.

Now I'm no sunshine and roses girl. I'm a cynical little bitch. However, my nails are currently watermelon pink and there's almost as much color in my closet as black. But I say that's just because it's trendy. I'm still a little dark and twisty.

I'm a Roller Coaster

LISTENING TO: SECRET GARDEN - BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN


Good grief. Earlier today I was composing a peppy blog about sun shining and positive outlooks and focusing on all the good in life. And I am still willing that girl to stick around. She's been spending time as CMO/CSO of the company lately and loving it! I totally miss PR and I'm glad to be spending my days doing it again, along with Buying and Event Planning. Albeit, stressful doing all jobs at once. I need an intern. A free one.

I digress.

I sit drinking my diet coke feeling cute following my monthly Bliss appointment. I feel sexy. I'm excited about tonight! Party at the boutique down the street followed by cheap bottle of wine at the wine bar, trolley ride home. Grand total of $25 down and a fun night!

AND my jumper came today! The one I obsessively posted about before with the harem pants? It's here! Now I don't know if I want to wear that or the 30 & flirty dress and boots! I need my friend to come over early and dress me!

However, then I get another bill from another procedure. I am only $650 away from my $3000 out of pocket max for the entire year. And to pay the bill, I can't renew my season tickets for my alma mater on the hill. I want to throw something. I can't imagine an entire season without tickets! Without the games! I went to every game for the last 2 years!! Before that I followed them because I lived 1,000 miles away from here. I am just so peeved!

But then again, I'm healthy-ish. I'm at least getting treatment for everything I need. And at least I hadn't already bought the tickets and then not had the money for this bill.

And the sun is, in fact, shining. And I will share a bottle of wine with my super hot girlfriend and look cute. We'll take pictures.

I think I need a run. I'm getting addicted.

Iced Chocolate

Life is so chock full of changes that I have no control over that I'm taking back a bit of control with some hair dye. I have been coloring my hair almost black, yet still a bit brown for an actual decade. It is time for a switch. I'm entering the next decade of my life with Iced Chocolate hair, which means a dark brown with red. I hate red in my hair, which makes it silly to have bought a red hair dye; however, I need to spice things up when I look in the mirror. So Iced Chocolate it is.

As for what I can't control, finances are in the toilet, thank you unemployment and ever-rising medical bills. So May is my last month of memberships. I have canceled the massages and tanning. It sucks, but it's $75 a month back in my pocket.

I also cannot control the dog dump of medical issues I have. Not only am I stuck to a portable device every minute of every day, (I clip it to my boxers or underwear when I sleep and tuck it in my bra or a pocket every day), but now I'm going in for a girlie doctor procedure. I had an abnormal test, which lead to a biopsy and is now leading to a procedure. I am pre-cancerous. It is pre, which is better than right in the middle of it. But the doctor said my condition is severe and we need to act quickly and I am on watch for new cells for the next 2.5 years before they'll clear me. I'm pretty sure I'm already infertile thanks to cysts on my ovaries, and now cells have invaded my cervix. Good thing I hate kids.

In addition, the store should be settled by next week. Papers either signed with move in scheduled, construction underway and product ordered, or close up shop and get your ass a real job.

AND I enter my 30s in 33 days. Big party was planned, but turns out the boy and I are simultaneously poor so we will not be doing anything beyond dinner at my parents house. Lame.

So yes, I am dying my hair Iced Chocolate. Red is change. I hate red. But I hate everything else going on too, so at least I can control the color of my hair, even if I hate it.

Life is really a trippy ride. In one day a life is close to ending and another receives serious relief. I just constantly have to remind myself that it's about the day to day. Don't get so caught up in trying to reach a certain goal, but rather enjoy the ups and downs of how you get to the goal.

My Mamaw is back in the hospital, her prognosis poor. They're suggesting hospice. My Mom is devastated. I can't imagine making that call and being in her place. I can only try and help where I can, which isn't much.

I, too, am waiting for results on a biopsy and dealing with my already precarious day to day health issues. A year ago I would never have considered myself a sickly person, but now I'm connected to a pump through my abdomen, spending thousands on medical bills and waiting for the worst from doctors at all times. That's why I am so glad to be doing my own thing with work. As stressful as it is to be your own provider, I have such an appreciation for life I didn't have before. Everything is an opportunity to experience - the good, the terrible and the awful. I'm really working to keep my outlook focused and my stress level down. Like I just said before, it's the day to day that's living. Life doesn't start once you reach a goal. It's now. It's overcoming what just happened or getting through what's going on. The shit. That's what life is. It's really living. Relationship struggles, friendship issues, health warnings, job problems. That's life. So put a smile on your face and live it.

At least that's what I'm trying to do.

Happy Monday

LISTENING TO: MOBY
Happy Monday/Day after Easter. It's such a dreary Monday. I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. The alarm went off over an hour before I dragged my butt to the coffee maker and shower, in said order.

This whole business/lease/financing thing has my mood in a tizzy. I am broke and bored. I'm also a little pschizo bc I feel really happy, peaceful and grateful that I'm working towards my own business and don't hate my "real world" prospects either. I have a lot to be happy about, but I am female and therefore not always such.

I AM looking forward to my Bliss appt at 3pm today. I heart that place and no matter my reason for going, I'm taking comfy clothes because I will finish my appt and sit in the Eucalyptus steam shower. Ah, pure bliss, literally. And even though I had to pull funds from saving this morning, I am going to pick up my alterations/dry cleaning/watches being held hostage at their respective fix-it places. I will also be picking up my SATC necklace I had made. I hope it's as fantabulous as I think it will be. Picture to follow soon!!

Round two

Today was day two of bad news bears. I'm still smiling...ish. The window is open, the day is beautiful and I decided it was all so much I'm taking time for me instead of work. I'm organizing ITunes, playing online and about to paint my nails. I attempted to transfer my music from the past two computers onto the newer Mac and it just didn't quite work right. Fixing that. Dinner out and maybe an evening walk with the family.

Didn't I just boast about inner strength? How's that for irony? Ha!

I have it good and I will not complain. I am just working hard at smiling this afternoon.

I'm the lucky one

I could totally get used to this weather. Window open, curtains blowing, sun shining. Hurricane force winds could stand to disappear, but otherwise it's practically perfect and has been for days now.

Thursday was our Ft. Worth debut and we opened to good numbers. Not great, but definitely good. The caravan arrived, set up and didn't return until midnight. Jeff was an amazing musical addition, jamming out and taking requests. I think he garnered quite the following. And Kat networked like a professional. Hot Jen and I peddled our hearts out. It's all marketing, right?

Friday was a fantastic market with my 4 page spreadsheet, linking each company to the master. I cannot explain how fun it is to place real orders. And oh my goodness the cutest product. I cannot believe how lucky I am to work in clothing every day. It's just....blessed.

Saturday was even better. Misty and I took to the trail and walked/jogged 3 miles. I was impressed. She's 11! And it was my longest venture since being diagnosed and makes me feel like a real person again. I managed a tank tan spending a couple hours out and about walking through West Village and up and down the trail and just being! Breakfast on the roofdeck at Breadwinners. It just makes me smile to relive it.

And seriously, as if anyone deserves four great days in a row, today's a perfect Sunday. Woke up for Palm Sunday services and yet again reinforced how very very much I heart my church. It's a perfect marriage of the conservative church I grew up in and the contemporary I loved so much in the ATL. The apartment is clean, candles lit, IPod playing, March Madness on TV and curtains blowing in the wind from the open window, sunshine outside, dog sleeping at my feet inside. Group date dinner and a movie tonight.

I am blessed.

I CAN'T EVEN! I mean, I am too exhausted. When did I sign up for 3am? After "holy shit", drama and "are you kidding me", it is 3am and I am TIRED, y'all. Quack, quack. Good night.

Bestie. Pinkberry, it's on tomorrow. I can wake up by then. Oh dear, Lord, with my head. Swimming, I tell you. Thank the Dear Lord Jesus, for he is wise and good and always knows. I know. He knows. It's time for bed with my love by my side. I am blessed. Good night.

Enough is enough

I have seen the dark side of 4:30am every morning for weeks now. I'm gritting and grinding down my pretty little teeth and sweating my way through every night. My Boo was frozen when I was blowing a fan directly on me. Menopause? That might be a welcome treat (albeit a decade or two too early). No, it's stress. And I've had it with my silly self and this stress balls thing!

The store will open or it won't. I'm meeting my third contractor today for a bid. It's freaking pricey. Everywhere we turn it's $6,000 for this and $5,000 for that and $24,000 for that. At least that's half of it. Dreams are expensive. Isn't that what they say? Wait, that doesn't sound right. Worth it? Pricey? The cost of your liver? Hold on, what?

I need some sleep!!!