XOXO

I have transitioned my spare time back into my love of music, fashion, decorating and all things fabulous!

Check out my newly revamped Mathena Style Blog - mathenastyle.blogspot.com

XOXO - Jana

Ta ta for now ...

This blog is insanely boring and self serving. I'm just saying. I think I'm going to let it go for a while, possibly trash all previous posts and start over with something I love, something I can contribute. Something worthwhile!

Diabetic Life? Recipes? Favorite things no matter what? A re-creation of Mathena Style? Fashion? Dallas life? Living NYC style in the south? Or just following my life but with actual tips, updates, links and things.

I'll be in touch. Lots to think about.

Afternoon Tea

I've reenacted my old daily tradition of afternoon green tea. Back in the NY Fashion office we all drank a green tea + splenda every afternoon. La Lohan started it, but it really does have antioxidant effects and is really good for you.

I've been doing the SF Red Bull for months every afternoon, but I must say, I enjoy the hot tea today. Sermon in the background (although I'm obviously barely listening), hot tea by the cash register and the door propped open on a beautiful 65-degree afternoon. And I have small group this evening! Again - finding the positive. Have I seen a single person today? No. Is our Plano store in a negative right now? Absolutely. But I'm finding positives. The time for blogging, tea and sermons. Positive.

Now let's get some sales! :)

And I'm up again

Today was day #1 of stumbling in my new desire for positivity. But even though I've been sad and felt a little beat up today, I didn't cave into the total meltdown I know is possible. I actually had a long talk with my Mom today about my pace in life and anxiety and that it's possible Scott doesn't even know me.

Being in a relationship for over three years, you would think he'd be learning little bits about me every day because he knew me for the most part as a whole. But I'm afraid he's only known this high-octane, anxious person that hasn't been able to handle all life has thrown at her. And that's not who I want to be, nor who I've been most of my life.

So, check one for the stumble. It's absolutely going to happen a million more times; it's just how I handle it that matters. Only 2.5 more hours until I can get home and be over the work part of today. Bring on the glass of wine and finally putting Christmas away.

Beautiful day in this beautiwood

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It began with candles lit and a little Guiliana and Bill on TV, then some Buzzbrews breakfast and now a stunning day at the south store with the door open and the music turned up. I'm going to make sure I see the positive all day.

In fact, while I was enjoying my oatmeal and coffee, a Cowboys player showed up shopping at our north store! We are officially doing something good when professional athletes are shopping. And I needed to hear that this morning. One of my friends closed her restaurant yesterday after three years of business. It makes me so sad to see the cycle of the small business.

Hopefully we're still on our upswing and things can only get better. Hey - the sun is shining!

Happy New Year

And yes it will be. Tis the season for self reflection and promises of personal betterment. I haven't really believed in New Years resolutions, but there is something I truly need to focus on this year and that is myself and well being. I need more candles, hot tea, quiet reflection, prayer and gratitude. I need to become happier with me and appreciative of everything around me. In the with positive and out with the negative.

In the stress of life over the last couple years I have become an increasingly self conscious and insecure person, needy to those around me and unable to cope. It all began on the downhill with the ex and his desire to control me, slowly eating away at my self confidence. But honestly that was long enough ago that it's beyond time to reclaim my life and live in this amazingness that I have now. I'm seeking anti-stress and anxiety medication, which will hopefully be a short-term assistance to the happier life I'm seeking.

But I am a crazy lucky girl. I have an amazing man who loves me and changed his life to help better mine. He may not be the most romantic, but relationships aren't made of grand gestures, but of every day life. I own my own business and successfully, I might add. I have a fantastic house in my dream neighborhood and my sweet little Misty is finishing out her life in peace with a yard and personal space. My family is loving and supportive and close by; my boyfriend's family has taken me in as their own as I am without expectation of change. I have collected great friends along my life across the World and with modern technology I'm able to appreciate and love them.

New Year. New Positive Energy. It begins today. And I'm the only one that can commit to make the change. Relying on other people for happiness is part of how I got here in the first place! I make my own happy place and I control my reactions to life.

"The power of your thoughts can open any door and you can set yourself free." - Lucy MacDonald, M. Ed.

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.”- Oprah Winfrey

"Goodness is the only investment that never fails." - Henry David Thoreau

"I thank my God every time I remember you." - Phil 1:3

Perspective

I'm not going to lie; it has been a rough year. I've worked harder than I ever thought possible. And what sucks is the voice in the back of my head telling me it's not enough. Well, sometimes it's a voice out loud too. I think that I can't be the only person working this hard and maybe I'm just a wuss about it.

But then I see posts from friends about how they tried a new restaurant, or went to the gym or planned an arts and crafts night with friends and I think - do they just continue on when I tire out? Or is my life completely imbalanced with work and no down time? I feel like I'm closing in on having to make a life choice and I wish someone would just alleviate a few things and I won't have to.

I know there are many worse things out there and people working harder and suffering more, but I am tired, sore and broken down and it's enough for me. I'm just working really hard at my perspective. Really hard ...

New York Moment

I just had such a "moment" watching the Rockefeller Tree Lighting on DVR. Happy smiles with tears in my eyes. Nothing like it.

Massage from the twilight zone

I'm a fan of massages. I love the spa music, the low lights, the scent of lavender and someone actually removing some of the tenseness from my muscles. I've had over 100 in my life, probably, by now. And with all the coupon sites, I can still get one from time to time.

I haven't had one in about 3 months and currently can't sleep through the night without pain and a heating pad in the wee hours. So when I saw a chiropractor's office offering a massage I thought this was the jackpot. I could see a physician and maybe even get cracked here and there. (also a fan of holistic medicine and chiropractors).

Today was the day. I cashed in my voucher and got amped for my massage (squeezed in between vet appts and buying appts and working in the store). I show up to a tiny little room where my shoes had to go under the table. The music was an R&B acapella ensemble Christmas CD where their voices were the instruments and there was a fair amount of wailing. The lotion smelled like Bath & Body Works peppermint. But weirdest of all - the woman spoke a healing prayer over me when she saw my diabetes port for my pump. She prayed that my body would heal and told me if I believed then the next time I went to the doctor I wouldn't need insulin anymore.

Seriously.

No, seriously.

I thanked her. What else do you do when you're draped with a towel over your thong and in mid-massage? I also tipped her as I left. Partially for the guilt of how heavy the awkwardness in the room was after that moment, partially because she had tried to heal me and mostly because the whole thing cost $29 with a daily email group coupon thingy.

I will not be retuning. But I will be cashing in one of my next 3 coupon massages next week to try and work out the memory of this one.

Dog Pee

Some days are just harder than others. Try to handle with grace and humor and get through it.

Christmas All Around

I have traditionally hated the Holidays the last few years. I'm not sure what changed this year - having my own home, being grateful for so many things, or just being so absolutely stressed out-crazy that it feels good to enjoy a moment of Christmas lights here and there. But I am over my Scrooge-ness, it seems!

The tree is up and the house is decorated. I bought a new wreath for the front door and stockings for the fireplace. And I hope to put Christmas lights in the tree and front porch this evening!

I have a love affair with Christopher Radko ornaments and try and collect at least one new one a year. They're mouth-blown, hand painted glass and each ornament takes 7 days to make. They're awesome. And my tree is covered with those, Pier One glass and Old World Christmas. (check out the cool built-ins in the house. Amazing details).

I can't wait for the after Christmas sales to stock up on even more. This year the one I can't keep looking at is new to the tree from a 1/2 price bin in January. It's a huge pale green glass ball with a glass insert of a painted partridge in a pear tree inside. I LOVE it. More pics to come. Definitely.

Lots and lots and lots

Misty does in fact have a brain tumor, but yes, over a month later I used the present-tense "has." Misty has been on prednisone since her initial vet visit. We've had to add a couple other medications as well and continue with 30-day visits; however, she is doing incredible! I have to remind myself that it's only treating the symptoms and not the tumor, so this won't go on forever. But I have my baby girl back and she's back more than ever! She runs, barks, plays and is back to her best fighting weight! I couldn't ask for anything more this year.

However, we've moved into our house as well. It's been about a month, but there are still boxes and piles and things to go through each and every day. Slowly I'm pulling the place together. It's an old, old place, built in 1940 and feels like it sometimes with the cold and dust everywhere. But it's beautiful and will be crazy awesome once we finish all the reno.

Here's a before and after of the kitchen, just as an example:

Amazing, right?

AND we opened a second store. Am I crazy? Absolutely. Have a lost my head a few times? Beyond yes. But I'm trying to seek the good and positive and enjoy these moments. When else in my life will all of this happen at once? (NEVER! Thank God - I hope).

Changes

Life is changing and I'm not quite sure I'm ready. I'm welcoming the good, of course. Don't we all? But as life moves on, not all changes are always easy. And this particular instance of change is anything but easy. Anything at all. My heart is so heavy as I even try and figure out how to say anything.

I took my dear sweet Misty to the vet this morning. Things haven't been easy for a while and I was hoping instead of old age there'd be a simple pill to make her the puppy I've loved for over 13 years again. Somehow I knew it wouldn't be that simple. It's like that quote from Steel Magnolia's character Truvy - "Time marches on, and sooner or later you realize it's marching right across your face." I'm not actually sure how accurate that is to this moment, but it seems cynical and real enough to work.

The vet told me this morning that Misty has a brain tumor and is rapidly suffering functionality, vision, hearing, muscle, etc. She started steroids this morning. But the vet is only giving her a few days to show improvement before he makes us talk about next steps. I feel empty and numb, like I'm slowly drifting into a dark and comforting depression. That usually follows the extreme tears that poured upon learning what I feel somehow I already knew.

The prognosis isn't completely tragic and there's a chance for a few years if her body decides to fight. But after watching her have a seizure this morning, and realizing it wasn't her first, I'm coming to terms that this is just another change in life as it moves on around me. I'm just clinging on, legs flying behind me as it moves so fast it's blowing my hair back, flinging me along with the bumps and mountains.

My dear sweet Misty-Miss. My heart, my love. The truest, longest relationship I've ever had and I can't imagine one day without her.

life in my color

Long weekend ending (well, actually it was just two days, but I haven't had two days off in a row forever. It's amazing how long it feels), wine poured, hummus and naan on the table and this on the ITunes. Perfection.

Amazed

I've discovered a lot of pictures from my parents before they were parents and I am so completely in love with them. They were this cute, stylish couple. I've never met those people because the world wore them down and responsibility took over. But back in the day they gazed at each other and were just so fabulous. I'm in awe. I'm verging on obsessed. But seriously, check out this pair. They couldn't get any better:

Tofu Pie

Yes, Tofu pie. And it's amazing. I'm always looking for new desserts to make since being diagnosed and I swear I will never live down Scotty's first birthday cake. It was a great lemon English tea cake ... for breakfast ... in England ... with tea. But I iced it and attempted to serve it to our friends. Not OK. I still get grief for it.

But now I have it. The best pie ever and I will continue to make it for every event. I'm stoked!

I package Tofu (I used Silken Firm and it came out fudge-like consistency. I'm going soft next for more of a mousse)
Semi sweet chocolate chips
Coconut Milk (although Almond or Soy works)
Salt
Vanilla Extract (I also added Rum extract)
Agave nectar (I'll leave this out next time for less sweet)
Melt the chocolate. Blend it in a blender. Pour in a pie crust. I found an unbleached wheat flour chocolate pie crust at the Farmers Market. It was ridiculous.

Best. Healthy. Dessert. Ever.

Love, love, love

I love, love my new Mark & Estell top. I couldn't feel cuter, happier, more comfortable and stylish all at the same time. And with the door propped open, the weather stunning and a littler Mayer on the IPod - this is a perfect moment. I haven't had a lot of those lately and when I do, I'm too busy to notice. So since I'm having this moment right here. Right now. I'm enjoying it. A lot.

And it all started with my new top.

It's a Cult

Well, maybe not a cult, per se. But everyone wears the same colors, chants at the same time, sways together, sings songs and only does this when the "Leader" tells them. They're silent when supposed to be silent, they're loud when supposed to be loud and they "Whoop!" But, you know, maybe that's not quite a cult.

It is a team that kicked our ass. We had a shot in the beginning and completely threw it away. I suppose with threw it to the other team - twice - but figuratively that's pretty much throwing the game away.

This weekend will be better. Lots better. And I can't wait to play at home and experience the entire thing. It's been TOO long!

Vegas Love

Oh my goodness. I think this is how exhausted feels. Market is an amazing, fantastic, draining experience I now couldn't imagine my life without. I love seeing the new, the great. I love the ability to bring in something new and fantastic. The store has turned into a lifestyle boutique I am blessed to bring to people. The fashion and style - ugh, I'm in love. I love the responsibility of bringing something new and stylish to our customers and hopefully can become a source for what's new and next. Love it!

8 hours, 8 appts, 5 miles on foot, 3 cabs, 1 coffee, 1 SF red bull, free fun stuff = tired girl working from bed in the hotel room before dinner with a fav vendor tonight.

"Jana likes to live on the edge"

Well that was interesting. I had a meeting at the alma mater yesterday - and might I say I'm even filled with more pride than before - so I decided to check out a few places nearby. I walked into the bookstore and the local Greek spirit shop. The bookstore was just that, generic and mass-produced. But the Greek shop was the same as ever. So cute and fun that I wanted to find something to buy. I wanted to feel included. But I noticed it was entirely Greek and what was University was the generic and the same as ever.

I've felt bad about opening the shop and stepping on the toes of my former boss. I worked at the Greek spirit shop for 6 years in college and after. She was a mother to me when my own had issues accepting who I am. But my fears are apparently hers as well.

I walked in and began to relax, realizing how different we still are. There isn't one person that would shop at one over the other, but rather probably shop in both to find exactly what they're looking for. And after a year of being open and a handful of visits, I finally ran into her again ... and it was interesting.

She threw me under the bus for opening in the first place, making sure I knew I could have found something cute at her store. Then questioned why I wasn't working and was out walking around in the first place. THEN asks me if I ever got married. I tell her no, conversation is awkward for a bit, and I say something about dating Scott and she says, "Oh - you're dating too? I thought it was just business. Well, Jana never did make the wisest decisions. She likes to live on the edge." She left me fake smiling with my mouth a-gape as she returned to her throngs of customers buying for Bid Day.

Seriously? I've been terrified of running into her for fear she would misread my store as stepping on her toes; HOWEVER, in reality, it's nothing like her store whatsoever. There isn't one style, product or inch of atmosphere that overlaps. But she apparently only did enough research to feel the need to parent me into my place.

I pictured that encounter totally different.