Dear sweet Lucy Goosey

Real Life

I sit on the couch this evening ready for a new week. One more good night of sleep and I should be back to normal after a very surreal and emotional week. I've finished all the laundry, changed the sheets, cleaned the apt and plowed a bit through my to do list. I'm doing everything I can to act like life is as it was just over a week ago.

Last week began Sunday evening with my Mamaw's passing. It devastated me. It's been expected, but somehow I was caught off guard. While dealing with the emotions of losing one person, my parents also took our family dog, Lucy, and had her put to sleep Monday afternoon. This was also expected and yet still incredibly emotional. My Dad has never lifted a hammer in my life. But he built a coffin with handles and dug a grave, outlined with stones for Lucy.

Additionally, I signed the lease on the store. Is this exciting? Worth an immense amount of emotion? Yes and yes. It was also Monday. My body was so exhausted from the events of only 24 hours that my body reacted and almost sent me to the ER with high blood sugar.

I went to the doctor Thursday morning before heading to San Antonio for the funeral, getting tests done to check my progress. I worked the entire trip out and back and each morning before breakfast, trying to catch up on work I was missing. And got a call from the doctor stating my diabetes was worse than tests showed three months prior.

Think you've ever had a week to compare? Please share so I can feel sorry for you instead of coping with my own life.

I worked through everything last week with help from IMovie by creating slideshows and listening to music. I spoke at Mamaw's funeral, albeit not well through my cracked voice and tears. And now I'm focused on living my life as healthy and positive as I can because I plan on making it a long and successful one. Which requires a healthy amount of sleep at night. So farewell. I'm off to conquer my insomnia.

I dine in a warehouse

This is the living room/dining room while we take product at home before the store opens. We have five more companies yet to deliver over the next two weeks. Care to come over and watch some clothes? I mean, TV?

Estimates aren't good enough

What a difference a day makes. I am so glad that everything was settled, organized and cleaned last night for a peaceful, happy little home. It has not been a good day. I'm not sure I could have handled it otherwise.

I woke up to an email with a revised 60-page lease. No coffee, no shower and an hour later, I finished reading and sat down with Scotty to review before I called the agent to discuss.

Headache began at a dull ache.

After getting stuck with emails since it was now 9am, I finally showered, only to finish the conversation with agent in time for lunch. Still no coffee.

Headache reaches behind the eyes.

I got a small cup from downstairs in the lobby, forfeiting my plan to barracade myself at Borders and work on our Marketing Plan. Hopefully tomorrow. Been postponing since last Monday.

Headache the same.

Made lunch. Leftover dry chicken from 4 days ago dinner mixed with too much ranch and iceberg. No Sugar Added Klondike Ice Cream sandwich. Watched 20 min of the MTV Movie Awards.

Headache actually getting better.

Opened up the Hoover Dam from inside my eyelids after a phone call from my pump company. My "estimate" of $500 for the pump was incorrect. Now that I already own it and have been wearing it for over a month, it's $2500. Oh, and don't forget the $50 in pathology I still owe for my mini surgery and the $250 for the surgery itself and the $205 I was just billed from my endocrinologist and the $50 copay for my appt next week.

Headache erupted into severe pressure. Mascara streaming down my face. Breathe in heaving sobs. Had to wash my face twice to ease the dry burning from wiping away the ridiculous floodgates of emotion that continued for about 30 minutes, simultaneous with an absolute pity party.

Working for the next 4 hours and a diet coke and I feel numb. I'm going to go paint my fingernails black, drink some wine and watch the Bachelorette with leftover birthday steak for dinner. Don't you wish you were me?

Perfect Recipe

Nothing makes me happier than the combination of a perfectly clean home, candles, a glass of wine, music and cooking dinner. This was always so comforting when I lived alone. It was usually followed with a bubble bath. That part is harder now because a boy's presence in a small apartment never allows for total relaxation. But today was pretty close.

I scrubbed the apartment. I used toxic chemicals and cleaned the Hell out of the bathroom. I changed the sheets. I cleaned the kitchen. I washed all the dishes. This wasn't my normal weekly clean. I was on a mission. I purchased a new bathroom shower liner. (And a new hairdryer I can't wait to use). I bought a candle the size of my head with 3 wicks that smells like the ocean. This was a war on my apartment and I was the clear winner.

And I made gourmet dinner. I am really loving this "don't follow the recipe" thing, but rather rely on instinct and just cook. Tonight was basil burgers with parmesan cheese, basil, onion, ketchup, salt and pepper in the burger meat, grilled on the cooktop. Topped with fresh basil and mozzarella under the broiler. Freaking yummers.

Belly full, two glasses of Cupcake Chardonnay down, lying in my clean sheets in bed and listening to a CD found in my parents attic. That's right. I'm listening to Titanic. And not just the regular  soundtrack, but the second one released with the actual music from the movie. You know it. (I was completely obsessed in high school with this movie. Saw it in the theatre 3 times. I own both soundtracks and the VHS).

So there is my wisdom I pass along for a perfect night. Clean all day, put on a satin nighty and enjoy your handiwork with your favorite tunes.

Now if I could only control my stressed out dreams and get a goods night sleep and stop this whole insomnia thing...

The future of me

If you know me and you're reading this, set down your coffee mug. I don't want to be responsible for shattered glass when you drop it. Ready? Ok.

I don't find all children totally annoying anymore. In fact, I actually find some of them completely adorable and I get this really weird, dare I say...maternal...instinct at times.

I KNOW! Craziness. Shut your mouth ridiculousness. I have no idea where it came from. It so just happened.

My friends from middle school and high school, as in those people that I hung around with, yet haven't spoken to for years outside of Facebook, are all on Baby Two and sometimes Three. My current circle is over half engaged or married, homeowners and all around grownups.

Is this a product of living in the South? Absolutely. I crave NYC. I miss the city. I miss the lifestyle. I miss the attitude. But I don't think it's better than the life I have for myself in Dallas. So I can't deny that I am obviously influenced by what's around me all the time down here.

So, yes. I can see a family one day. House first with dogs. But the conversation has been discussed about trying in maybe five years, pending what life throws at us. WHAT?!!?? Yes. Again, I know. But this leads me to a lot of really sad things that make it very hard not to feel sorry for myself as I mentioned in my last post. And I have a terrible habit of stressing about the future when it really doesn't deserve it. But to add it all up: I have PCOS, have burst cysts, have scar tissue on my uterus. Good luck getting in there little swimmers. I have Type-1 Diabetes and have since been sick with everything I possibly could because I'm apparently closer to the "Steel Magnolia" side of the disease. The whole idea requires a massive team of doctor approval before you can even try. And I recently had pre-cancerous cells (and one evil cell) removed, weakening my cervix, which leads to bed-rest or early birth - like after 3 months.

Would you try?

All I have to say is: Oy Vey!

The Southern Life

It's been so long since I sat down with my blog that I actually had to go see what I wrote last. I will admit, my last post was following two bottles of wine (not by myself). Hence how I left my phone on the table and walked away. Problem has since been solved.

Life has been so freaking busy. I like busy. I love busy. But I am definitely busy. If this store thing works out, this is the best job ever. If not, I am so up debt creek without a paddle. There is product everywhere piled in and out of boxes and strewn across rolling racks. I've lost my dining room table to the battle.

Today was another fun day of business ownership. My best gal Hot Jen and I went back to market and picked out more fantabulous accessories. We're dangerously good together at this shopping thing.

This is what about $1000 of accessories at retail looks like. All on my bed. And waiting to be entered into a POS. I wish it was waiting for me to go shopping. It's all so fun! But not for me. I only picked out one thing today....for now. I want about three more...

Life is funny. I have been through such a ridiculous roller coaster over the last couple years. 2007 seems like a decade ago. I can't believe I haven't even been back in Dallas three years. As it gets hotter out, I'm reminded of what it felt like to return from NYC. I was so used to being completely independent, coming and going when and how I want with everything accessible at all times. Then I was relegated to a car, shopping in major grocery stores, nothing specialty, nowhere to walk, having to make plans to entertain myself. I remember sitting in the pool trying to figure out how to slow down.

I went through a really rough phase when things fizzled early 2008. I made some mistakes, partied like mad (nothing compared to NYC, but then again, nothing compares to NYC), and threw myself into work, running away from any real friends. I tried to save my bad relationship for 9 months, almost missing out on the amazing man I have now.

Because of that man, I'm now putting myself out there to make new girl friends again; to really trust and invest in people. I am still a selfish brat, but I'm getting better...I think. And after a layoff, losing my Papaw, diagnosis, surgery, and every other crappy and terrible thing that's happened to me in the last year, I'm stronger than ever and opening my own business. He refuses to let me feel sorry for myself, no matter what happens.

Now I'm no sunshine and roses girl. I'm a cynical little bitch. However, my nails are currently watermelon pink and there's almost as much color in my closet as black. But I say that's just because it's trendy. I'm still a little dark and twisty.