Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Words for my Mamaw
I grew up spending vacations, holidays and 3-day weekends with Mamaw & Papaw. I remember sun tea brewing by the pool and getting lunch on plastic plates under the umbrella table. Mamaw & Papaw’s house meant riding the train, going to the zoo and riding the skytram, playing in the pool and food. There were always meals. We ate at every table in the house and every meal was an occasion.
Now that we’re older, when Mamaw got sick, I was hesitant to hang out with her for hours each week. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my grandmother the whole time.
I was actually really shocked to find out what a smart-alec she was. She was hilarious. She had this dry wit and would come out of nowhere with these comments. I remember in the ER over Christmas the nurse taking forever to do something and she sat there and rolled her eyes behind the nurses back and we held back our snickers. Mom said the second the tube came out the first time she was intubated she could barely speak, but she made sure Mom heard her and said, “Don’t do that again.” It was kind of shocking to see that side of Mamaw.
I think Mamaw spent most of her life being proper. But towards the end, when she’d lost all of her pride, I saw her as this real person. She was funny and she had a sharp wit. She loved having afternoon tea, her favorite was green tea. She loved Atkins chocolate coconut bars and Pirates Booty. She liked to watch Golden Girls. She loved spending time with her family. Her face would literally light up every week when I came to see her. We would sit for hours and talk. We chatted about runway shows and how many women did Tiger Woods really cheat with. I wasn’t her nurse and I didn’t help her with anything medical, but we became friends.
I held her hand when she was sad over Nellie and I hugged her when she missed Papaw. I covered her walls with pictures of her family and made sure she told every nurse that came by about each person on the wall. We bonded over diabetic snacks. She shared stories about her life before Papaw I’d never heard before. I miss her.
Last Saturday I celebrated my 30th birthday at home. I was able to see her calm and peaceful - completely happy and content. She talked about the birds feeding schedules outside her window and how great the food was at her new digs. She bowed her head to pray with us and sat calmly across the hall while we ate dinner. And every time we’d look over at her she’d give us a thumbs up and occasionally yell over that she couldn’t hear a thing we were saying. I sat down and played piano for her for an hour. And we just talked. She looked at me and said, “I know I don’t have much longer, but I’m so grateful for being home.” She was happy. She knew. And she was ready.
I will forever cherish the fact that I was able to see her as more than the Mamaw that put salt on her watermelon and was back in the kitchen fixing the next meal the very second we finished the first.
I have two favorite verses: 1 Cor 13:13 and Phil 1:3. Chapter 13 of Corinthians is known as the Love chapter. I have never seen two people that better exemplify love than Mamaw & Papaw. I hope that one day I can set that example for the generations beyond me. It isn’t a coincidence that she joined Papaw in time for their 63rd wedding anniversary. She wanted to be with him again. And perhaps my all-time favorite is Phil 1:3. I thank My God every time I remember you. And I do.
Real Life
I sit on the couch this evening ready for a new week. One more good night of sleep and I should be back to normal after a very surreal and emotional week. I've finished all the laundry, changed the sheets, cleaned the apt and plowed a bit through my to do list. I'm doing everything I can to act like life is as it was just over a week ago.
Last week began Sunday evening with my Mamaw's passing. It devastated me. It's been expected, but somehow I was caught off guard. While dealing with the emotions of losing one person, my parents also took our family dog, Lucy, and had her put to sleep Monday afternoon. This was also expected and yet still incredibly emotional. My Dad has never lifted a hammer in my life. But he built a coffin with handles and dug a grave, outlined with stones for Lucy.
Additionally, I signed the lease on the store. Is this exciting? Worth an immense amount of emotion? Yes and yes. It was also Monday. My body was so exhausted from the events of only 24 hours that my body reacted and almost sent me to the ER with high blood sugar.
I went to the doctor Thursday morning before heading to San Antonio for the funeral, getting tests done to check my progress. I worked the entire trip out and back and each morning before breakfast, trying to catch up on work I was missing. And got a call from the doctor stating my diabetes was worse than tests showed three months prior.
Think you've ever had a week to compare? Please share so I can feel sorry for you instead of coping with my own life.
I worked through everything last week with help from IMovie by creating slideshows and listening to music. I spoke at Mamaw's funeral, albeit not well through my cracked voice and tears. And now I'm focused on living my life as healthy and positive as I can because I plan on making it a long and successful one. Which requires a healthy amount of sleep at night. So farewell. I'm off to conquer my insomnia.
Last week began Sunday evening with my Mamaw's passing. It devastated me. It's been expected, but somehow I was caught off guard. While dealing with the emotions of losing one person, my parents also took our family dog, Lucy, and had her put to sleep Monday afternoon. This was also expected and yet still incredibly emotional. My Dad has never lifted a hammer in my life. But he built a coffin with handles and dug a grave, outlined with stones for Lucy.
Additionally, I signed the lease on the store. Is this exciting? Worth an immense amount of emotion? Yes and yes. It was also Monday. My body was so exhausted from the events of only 24 hours that my body reacted and almost sent me to the ER with high blood sugar.
I went to the doctor Thursday morning before heading to San Antonio for the funeral, getting tests done to check my progress. I worked the entire trip out and back and each morning before breakfast, trying to catch up on work I was missing. And got a call from the doctor stating my diabetes was worse than tests showed three months prior.
Think you've ever had a week to compare? Please share so I can feel sorry for you instead of coping with my own life.
I worked through everything last week with help from IMovie by creating slideshows and listening to music. I spoke at Mamaw's funeral, albeit not well through my cracked voice and tears. And now I'm focused on living my life as healthy and positive as I can because I plan on making it a long and successful one. Which requires a healthy amount of sleep at night. So farewell. I'm off to conquer my insomnia.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I dine in a warehouse
This is the living room/dining room while we take product at home before the store opens. We have five more companies yet to deliver over the next two weeks. Care to come over and watch some clothes? I mean, TV?
Estimates aren't good enough
What a difference a day makes. I am so glad that everything was settled, organized and cleaned last night for a peaceful, happy little home. It has not been a good day. I'm not sure I could have handled it otherwise.
I woke up to an email with a revised 60-page lease. No coffee, no shower and an hour later, I finished reading and sat down with Scotty to review before I called the agent to discuss.
Headache began at a dull ache.
After getting stuck with emails since it was now 9am, I finally showered, only to finish the conversation with agent in time for lunch. Still no coffee.
Headache reaches behind the eyes.
I got a small cup from downstairs in the lobby, forfeiting my plan to barracade myself at Borders and work on our Marketing Plan. Hopefully tomorrow. Been postponing since last Monday.
Headache the same.
Made lunch. Leftover dry chicken from 4 days ago dinner mixed with too much ranch and iceberg. No Sugar Added Klondike Ice Cream sandwich. Watched 20 min of the MTV Movie Awards.
Headache actually getting better.
Opened up the Hoover Dam from inside my eyelids after a phone call from my pump company. My "estimate" of $500 for the pump was incorrect. Now that I already own it and have been wearing it for over a month, it's $2500. Oh, and don't forget the $50 in pathology I still owe for my mini surgery and the $250 for the surgery itself and the $205 I was just billed from my endocrinologist and the $50 copay for my appt next week.
Headache erupted into severe pressure. Mascara streaming down my face. Breathe in heaving sobs. Had to wash my face twice to ease the dry burning from wiping away the ridiculous floodgates of emotion that continued for about 30 minutes, simultaneous with an absolute pity party.
Working for the next 4 hours and a diet coke and I feel numb. I'm going to go paint my fingernails black, drink some wine and watch the Bachelorette with leftover birthday steak for dinner. Don't you wish you were me?
I woke up to an email with a revised 60-page lease. No coffee, no shower and an hour later, I finished reading and sat down with Scotty to review before I called the agent to discuss.
Headache began at a dull ache.
After getting stuck with emails since it was now 9am, I finally showered, only to finish the conversation with agent in time for lunch. Still no coffee.
Headache reaches behind the eyes.
I got a small cup from downstairs in the lobby, forfeiting my plan to barracade myself at Borders and work on our Marketing Plan. Hopefully tomorrow. Been postponing since last Monday.
Headache the same.
Made lunch. Leftover dry chicken from 4 days ago dinner mixed with too much ranch and iceberg. No Sugar Added Klondike Ice Cream sandwich. Watched 20 min of the MTV Movie Awards.
Headache actually getting better.
Opened up the Hoover Dam from inside my eyelids after a phone call from my pump company. My "estimate" of $500 for the pump was incorrect. Now that I already own it and have been wearing it for over a month, it's $2500. Oh, and don't forget the $50 in pathology I still owe for my mini surgery and the $250 for the surgery itself and the $205 I was just billed from my endocrinologist and the $50 copay for my appt next week.
Headache erupted into severe pressure. Mascara streaming down my face. Breathe in heaving sobs. Had to wash my face twice to ease the dry burning from wiping away the ridiculous floodgates of emotion that continued for about 30 minutes, simultaneous with an absolute pity party.
Working for the next 4 hours and a diet coke and I feel numb. I'm going to go paint my fingernails black, drink some wine and watch the Bachelorette with leftover birthday steak for dinner. Don't you wish you were me?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Perfect Recipe
Nothing makes me happier than the combination of a perfectly clean home, candles, a glass of wine, music and cooking dinner. This was always so comforting when I lived alone. It was usually followed with a bubble bath. That part is harder now because a boy's presence in a small apartment never allows for total relaxation. But today was pretty close.
I scrubbed the apartment. I used toxic chemicals and cleaned the Hell out of the bathroom. I changed the sheets. I cleaned the kitchen. I washed all the dishes. This wasn't my normal weekly clean. I was on a mission. I purchased a new bathroom shower liner. (And a new hairdryer I can't wait to use). I bought a candle the size of my head with 3 wicks that smells like the ocean. This was a war on my apartment and I was the clear winner.
And I made gourmet dinner. I am really loving this "don't follow the recipe" thing, but rather rely on instinct and just cook. Tonight was basil burgers with parmesan cheese, basil, onion, ketchup, salt and pepper in the burger meat, grilled on the cooktop. Topped with fresh basil and mozzarella under the broiler. Freaking yummers.
Belly full, two glasses of Cupcake Chardonnay down, lying in my clean sheets in bed and listening to a CD found in my parents attic. That's right. I'm listening to Titanic. And not just the regular soundtrack, but the second one released with the actual music from the movie. You know it. (I was completely obsessed in high school with this movie. Saw it in the theatre 3 times. I own both soundtracks and the VHS).
So there is my wisdom I pass along for a perfect night. Clean all day, put on a satin nighty and enjoy your handiwork with your favorite tunes.
Now if I could only control my stressed out dreams and get a goods night sleep and stop this whole insomnia thing...
I scrubbed the apartment. I used toxic chemicals and cleaned the Hell out of the bathroom. I changed the sheets. I cleaned the kitchen. I washed all the dishes. This wasn't my normal weekly clean. I was on a mission. I purchased a new bathroom shower liner. (And a new hairdryer I can't wait to use). I bought a candle the size of my head with 3 wicks that smells like the ocean. This was a war on my apartment and I was the clear winner.
And I made gourmet dinner. I am really loving this "don't follow the recipe" thing, but rather rely on instinct and just cook. Tonight was basil burgers with parmesan cheese, basil, onion, ketchup, salt and pepper in the burger meat, grilled on the cooktop. Topped with fresh basil and mozzarella under the broiler. Freaking yummers.
Belly full, two glasses of Cupcake Chardonnay down, lying in my clean sheets in bed and listening to a CD found in my parents attic. That's right. I'm listening to Titanic. And not just the regular soundtrack, but the second one released with the actual music from the movie. You know it. (I was completely obsessed in high school with this movie. Saw it in the theatre 3 times. I own both soundtracks and the VHS).
So there is my wisdom I pass along for a perfect night. Clean all day, put on a satin nighty and enjoy your handiwork with your favorite tunes.
Now if I could only control my stressed out dreams and get a goods night sleep and stop this whole insomnia thing...
Friday, June 11, 2010
The future of me
If you know me and you're reading this, set down your coffee mug. I don't want to be responsible for shattered glass when you drop it. Ready? Ok.
I don't find all children totally annoying anymore. In fact, I actually find some of them completely adorable and I get this really weird, dare I say...maternal...instinct at times.
I KNOW! Craziness. Shut your mouth ridiculousness. I have no idea where it came from. It so just happened.
My friends from middle school and high school, as in those people that I hung around with, yet haven't spoken to for years outside of Facebook, are all on Baby Two and sometimes Three. My current circle is over half engaged or married, homeowners and all around grownups.
Is this a product of living in the South? Absolutely. I crave NYC. I miss the city. I miss the lifestyle. I miss the attitude. But I don't think it's better than the life I have for myself in Dallas. So I can't deny that I am obviously influenced by what's around me all the time down here.
So, yes. I can see a family one day. House first with dogs. But the conversation has been discussed about trying in maybe five years, pending what life throws at us. WHAT?!!?? Yes. Again, I know. But this leads me to a lot of really sad things that make it very hard not to feel sorry for myself as I mentioned in my last post. And I have a terrible habit of stressing about the future when it really doesn't deserve it. But to add it all up: I have PCOS, have burst cysts, have scar tissue on my uterus. Good luck getting in there little swimmers. I have Type-1 Diabetes and have since been sick with everything I possibly could because I'm apparently closer to the "Steel Magnolia" side of the disease. The whole idea requires a massive team of doctor approval before you can even try. And I recently had pre-cancerous cells (and one evil cell) removed, weakening my cervix, which leads to bed-rest or early birth - like after 3 months.
Would you try?
All I have to say is: Oy Vey!
I don't find all children totally annoying anymore. In fact, I actually find some of them completely adorable and I get this really weird, dare I say...maternal...instinct at times.
I KNOW! Craziness. Shut your mouth ridiculousness. I have no idea where it came from. It so just happened.
My friends from middle school and high school, as in those people that I hung around with, yet haven't spoken to for years outside of Facebook, are all on Baby Two and sometimes Three. My current circle is over half engaged or married, homeowners and all around grownups.
Is this a product of living in the South? Absolutely. I crave NYC. I miss the city. I miss the lifestyle. I miss the attitude. But I don't think it's better than the life I have for myself in Dallas. So I can't deny that I am obviously influenced by what's around me all the time down here.
So, yes. I can see a family one day. House first with dogs. But the conversation has been discussed about trying in maybe five years, pending what life throws at us. WHAT?!!?? Yes. Again, I know. But this leads me to a lot of really sad things that make it very hard not to feel sorry for myself as I mentioned in my last post. And I have a terrible habit of stressing about the future when it really doesn't deserve it. But to add it all up: I have PCOS, have burst cysts, have scar tissue on my uterus. Good luck getting in there little swimmers. I have Type-1 Diabetes and have since been sick with everything I possibly could because I'm apparently closer to the "Steel Magnolia" side of the disease. The whole idea requires a massive team of doctor approval before you can even try. And I recently had pre-cancerous cells (and one evil cell) removed, weakening my cervix, which leads to bed-rest or early birth - like after 3 months.
Would you try?
All I have to say is: Oy Vey!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Southern Life
It's been so long since I sat down with my blog that I actually had to go see what I wrote last. I will admit, my last post was following two bottles of wine (not by myself). Hence how I left my phone on the table and walked away. Problem has since been solved.
Life has been so freaking busy. I like busy. I love busy. But I am definitely busy. If this store thing works out, this is the best job ever. If not, I am so up debt creek without a paddle. There is product everywhere piled in and out of boxes and strewn across rolling racks. I've lost my dining room table to the battle.
Today was another fun day of business ownership. My best gal Hot Jen and I went back to market and picked out more fantabulous accessories. We're dangerously good together at this shopping thing.
This is what about $1000 of accessories at retail looks like. All on my bed. And waiting to be entered into a POS. I wish it was waiting for me to go shopping. It's all so fun! But not for me. I only picked out one thing today....for now. I want about three more...
Life is funny. I have been through such a ridiculous roller coaster over the last couple years. 2007 seems like a decade ago. I can't believe I haven't even been back in Dallas three years. As it gets hotter out, I'm reminded of what it felt like to return from NYC. I was so used to being completely independent, coming and going when and how I want with everything accessible at all times. Then I was relegated to a car, shopping in major grocery stores, nothing specialty, nowhere to walk, having to make plans to entertain myself. I remember sitting in the pool trying to figure out how to slow down.
I went through a really rough phase when things fizzled early 2008. I made some mistakes, partied like mad (nothing compared to NYC, but then again, nothing compares to NYC), and threw myself into work, running away from any real friends. I tried to save my bad relationship for 9 months, almost missing out on the amazing man I have now.
Because of that man, I'm now putting myself out there to make new girl friends again; to really trust and invest in people. I am still a selfish brat, but I'm getting better...I think. And after a layoff, losing my Papaw, diagnosis, surgery, and every other crappy and terrible thing that's happened to me in the last year, I'm stronger than ever and opening my own business. He refuses to let me feel sorry for myself, no matter what happens.
Now I'm no sunshine and roses girl. I'm a cynical little bitch. However, my nails are currently watermelon pink and there's almost as much color in my closet as black. But I say that's just because it's trendy. I'm still a little dark and twisty.
Life has been so freaking busy. I like busy. I love busy. But I am definitely busy. If this store thing works out, this is the best job ever. If not, I am so up debt creek without a paddle. There is product everywhere piled in and out of boxes and strewn across rolling racks. I've lost my dining room table to the battle.
Today was another fun day of business ownership. My best gal Hot Jen and I went back to market and picked out more fantabulous accessories. We're dangerously good together at this shopping thing.
This is what about $1000 of accessories at retail looks like. All on my bed. And waiting to be entered into a POS. I wish it was waiting for me to go shopping. It's all so fun! But not for me. I only picked out one thing today....for now. I want about three more...
Life is funny. I have been through such a ridiculous roller coaster over the last couple years. 2007 seems like a decade ago. I can't believe I haven't even been back in Dallas three years. As it gets hotter out, I'm reminded of what it felt like to return from NYC. I was so used to being completely independent, coming and going when and how I want with everything accessible at all times. Then I was relegated to a car, shopping in major grocery stores, nothing specialty, nowhere to walk, having to make plans to entertain myself. I remember sitting in the pool trying to figure out how to slow down.
I went through a really rough phase when things fizzled early 2008. I made some mistakes, partied like mad (nothing compared to NYC, but then again, nothing compares to NYC), and threw myself into work, running away from any real friends. I tried to save my bad relationship for 9 months, almost missing out on the amazing man I have now.
Because of that man, I'm now putting myself out there to make new girl friends again; to really trust and invest in people. I am still a selfish brat, but I'm getting better...I think. And after a layoff, losing my Papaw, diagnosis, surgery, and every other crappy and terrible thing that's happened to me in the last year, I'm stronger than ever and opening my own business. He refuses to let me feel sorry for myself, no matter what happens.
Now I'm no sunshine and roses girl. I'm a cynical little bitch. However, my nails are currently watermelon pink and there's almost as much color in my closet as black. But I say that's just because it's trendy. I'm still a little dark and twisty.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Grrrr
I lost my phone. No! My phone was TAKEN! I was having a lovely dinner, in fact, one of my favorite dinners with my best gal pal. We decided to meet the boys at the local watering hole and walked less than 1/2 a block. I realized I didn't have my phone, returned to the restaurant and it was gone!!?!
Seriously? That shit is cracked out all over the left screen from a hard drop to the cement sans cover months ago. It's actually hard to read. Who would want that? Plus, between my 3 friends and the restaurant, we called my phone no less than 25x and it never picked up right away. So either someone had the patience to let it ring over and over or it was lying sad and lonely in a corner.
Thank God for savings, because tomorrow I get to go pick up another phone. Blackberry or Iphone will be determined by the cost. I am sooooo not happy about this.
Seriously? That shit is cracked out all over the left screen from a hard drop to the cement sans cover months ago. It's actually hard to read. Who would want that? Plus, between my 3 friends and the restaurant, we called my phone no less than 25x and it never picked up right away. So either someone had the patience to let it ring over and over or it was lying sad and lonely in a corner.
Thank God for savings, because tomorrow I get to go pick up another phone. Blackberry or Iphone will be determined by the cost. I am sooooo not happy about this.
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