No Regrets

I'm starting to tire of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason." I'm totally guilty of over and actually mis-using it in the past. This phrase is simply something to hide behind when you don't like the outcome of decisions already made. When my wedding fell apart I said that everything happened for a reason over and over to make myself feel better and move on. What I was telling myself is that I didn't screw it up, but really got caught in the universe's plan for me.

Bullshit.

I dove into a relationship, ignored all warning signs and kept the dark sides to myself. Yes, the relationship ended the way it did for a reason - I made a series of choices, added to the choices he made as the person he is and thus it blew up one day. It all happened for a reason.

This is all in my head today because Miss America was last night. I love Miss America and it used to be my world. I took two separate breaks from college to devote all my focus preparing for Miss Georgia. As a 29-year old, confident enough as a young woman, focused on certain dreams, comfortable with myself, I know without a doubt I could compete with the women on stage last night and possibly win. I could be Miss America. As a young 20-something I doubted my chances and believed only in the belief others had in me. Because my belief wasn't my own, it became overwhelming quite often and I rebelled. Sometimes that was just by getting wasted and partying for a night, other times I would paint my nails black or wear something slightly gothic for a reaction. As the phrase has commonly become known, I was dark and twisty, but covered in sequins and a crown.

My final year I chose to compete I felt more myself and had a board of directors focused on helping me find my best me onstage and not just what would win Miss America. I became most of who I am today while being Miss Atlanta. However, I chose to let the pressure get to me and bowed out my final year, choosing not to compete, but walking away as 4th-runner up to Miss Georgia 2003. I had one more year of age eligibility, had climbed from Top 15 to Top 5 in three years, held the most coveted local titles in the state, even place in a local Miss Texas coming in 2nd-runner up to the eventual Miss Texas and Top 5 at Miss America, Lisa Dalzell. But I walked away. I'll never know what would have happened for sure that next year, but I am 99.9% certain, as are those that were around me at the time, I would have been Miss Georgia 2004 and competed for Miss America on that televised stage. As a result, a whole list of decisions would have changed, resulting in a completely different outcome than I'm in now - bringing me back to the point I'm at today.

The only reason everything happens for is the one based on the decisions I make for myself and the decisions of those around me that affect me both directly and indirectly. I'll never be Miss America. I'll never know if I would have had the chance to try. I'm jealous of all the girls in my life that did have that chance. I'm jealous of all the girls on the peripherals of my life that are still involved in that world. Yet, and make no mistake, I love my life. It's just a different life than I thought it would be years ago.

Life isn't about hiding behind some phrase to make yourself feel better. We aren't floating around the universe, pawns for whichever way the wind blows; we wake up every day and make choices: some are big, some are small. We decide our futures and we determine our outlooks each and every day. My soapbox rant is half venting and half pep talk to myself. Miss America I will never be, so now it's up to me to decide who I WILL be - today and tomorrow.