"To attempt to find completeness through any other source, including success, the approval of others, prestige or appearance, is to be taken captive through philosophy and empty deception," The Search for Significance.

My sister gave me a great study I've been reading. My whole life I've struggled with self esteem and faux esteem. You feel terrible about yourself, not believing in anything, down and depressed. And then you receive praise or approval and you feel great and truly believe in yourself again, until criticized and then you're down again. This is a truly unhealthy form of codependency.

This was my childhood and I've been doing everything I can to move on from it. I had terrible self esteem and would do something worthy of praise and would be on cloud 9, overly excited and feel truly happy. Until I did something wrong and was told how terrible I was in one way or another and I would retreat. I was trained that my behavior should be what others want it to be. It's been very hard for me to learn to make my own decisions and stick to them no matter if someone else disagreed.

I have struggled with self esteem, self worth and therefore relationships both friend and romantic, my whole life. My sister, studying counseling, recently gave me an amazing study called The Search for Significance. It's my game changer.

At one point I did feel like I had it all together and figured out. I was truly happy and confident and living my own life. I had moved to NYC and started out, no one knowing me, giving me an actual opportunity to figure out who I am without judgment. That's what I love about the NE. No one cares what you decide as long as you stick to it. It's a truly accepting environment where being independent and free thinking is encouraged. It was perfect for me, until I entered an emotionally controlling, and I guess you could say, abusive relationship. I started over from scratch again and I'm climbing my way back to self belief.

It's ironic that someone in fashion, styling, performance, etc would be so insecure. I've gravitated to the things I'm good at and will receive praise for. I've never wanted to be average because no one notices you then. And I've always needed approval and praise for everything I've done. I'm now becoming, well learning to become, confident in my own decisions, skin and even mistakes. Whether someone believes in what I do or approves of it, I have to believe in what I do and be truly confident in order to have confidence in myself.

I wonder how many other people seemingly with everything together, are held captive by others' opinions.