Strength

Strength is a funny thing. It's obvious in body builders and weight trainers. Even the Jersey Shore types look like they have some pretty decent strength going on. I've gone back and forth with my muscle strength. Used to have a lot more than I do now.

Without sounding too cheesy and life-coachish, then there's inner strength. Not everyone has this. And mine has definitely wavered. I didn't have inner strength on the days I sat in the floor, leaning against the bed, too weak with heaving sobs to get in at the demise of a relationship. I didn't have inner strength standing on a corner in NYC, mere weeks from homelesseness, no savings and a job I was collapsing underneath, screaming into the phone at my mother scared for my life and how I was even going to eat.

I'm not that person anymore. I'm on the other side of NYC, the other side of that relationship, the other side of diagnosis. I'm stronger than I even know. I have inner strength. Which in my case means that I have faith.

I'm bad at praying. I forget to do it or fall asleep in the middle and I can never wake up early enough for a quiet time. But my Mom always told me to think of 10 things I'm grateful for every morning in the shower. It's my "prayer" of sorts.

1 - Boo
2 - My relationship with my family (now)
3 - My love and knowledge of the fashion industry
4 - Beautiful days
5 - My apartment
6 - Misty
7 - My dear amazing friends
8 - My businesses
9 - Sitting with the window open overlooking Uptown
10 - Smiles from strangers

I find myself, yet again, facing potential dire news and leaning on that inner strength again. Leaning on that faith. I will make it through. I am going to be OK. I'll look back on this from the other side. Leaning, relying, hoping.

It's easy to have faith on a beautiful day. It requires strength to have faith in the dark and gloomy days. I feel strong today. Thank God.