Social Bird

I was a total social bird this weekend, living it up in high style and I loved it! I bailed out of work Friday evening around 6pm. This is nuts-o early for me and I couldn't have been happier to get home!

I gathered some bubbly, a little Skinnygirl and my comfy clothes and headed to Girl's night at my friend's fancy condo. We drank wine and bubbles and watched a plethora of chick flicks, snacked and gossiped and I couldn't have been happier.

The weekend continued with brunch with the girls, an hour nap and then the swanky kicked in. My parents were kicking it at the Ritz for a friend's 50th anniversary party, so I met my Dad for more bubbly at the hotel bar, raced home after doing my Mom's makeup and the boy and I were taken to dinner at my former fav restaurant. (It was my fav before the scene of the big break-up by the fountain. Now it's just another place). Live music, martinis, bottle of wine, filet - heaven!

Swanky brunch back at the hotel, a ride in a Bentley back home and then off to the horse races. The entire weekend was relaxing, laid back, fun with friends and exactly what I needed. I even managed to clean the apt, fit in a spray tan and do dinner on the patio last night. Darn-it being back to work. But super yeah to be able to breathe after a year of nothing but work!

Country Mood

Maybe because it's simple, usually a bit slower and on a down beat, but I am loving my country mood lately. A little Wolf as I get ready in the morning, and The Highway in the car to and from work. I've even added more of it to the store list. I found myself loving a new Dolly song today - and she is definitely country.

I think it makes me slow down. I think it just makes me smile. I am loving my country mood.

State-Mandated Day Off

Everyone should get one full day off each week. Plain and simple. It should be mandated in the constitution! After just 24 hours of nothingness I feel almost normal again. I can't believe it's been since my bday that I had a couple hours of nothing. No wonder I feel exhaustified!

I spent Saturday night drinking wine on the couch, watching criminal dramas while Boo snored next to me. (this snoring thing is new and I'm not so fond). I skipped out on church and slept in Sunday, wandering out to breakfast at our new fav spot (in the neighborhood we're house hunting) and then lying in bed watching tv for the next 3-4 hours. It. Was. Awesome. I still managed to cook a full Greek dinner, make a trip to Whole Paycheck and clean the entire apartment. And that was my slowest day in a month!

If you haven't had one in a while - take a freakin' day off! Do it! Sit in a park with an iced coffee and stare into space, sleep all day, paint your cats toenails, whatever! But relax for 24 hours. Godsend. Amazing. I can't believe I've survived so long at this pace.

Tomorrow isn't soon enough

I'm sitting in a place between absolute exhaustion and possible secondary breakdown and incredibly blessed and in awe of the graciousness of life and people in it.

One, my body is so physically wiped that I can't even sleep at night. My muscles are in a constant state of pain. I'm wearing workout gear and tennis shoes every day just to keep walking. I lie on a heating pad each night just to fall asleep - although I never stay there more than two hours. I am the definition of exhausted. I have no energy and no desire to find any. I'm wiped. I don't know how else to say it.

Two, the insane success of the store has me running all day every day. I barely have time to step back and look at what's happening. I have to make myself enjoy it, but when I do look up, I am humbled. I can't believe this thought in my head two years ago has turned into an actual business, thriving and growing every minute.

But I'm too tired to continue. I must sit and stare into space because I have 3 hours before my part-time girl arrives and I leave for not one, but two friend's celebrations this evening. I love them, but don't want anything save my sweats!

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Somewhere between church and cleaning the entire apartment, I will get a chance to slow down and do nothing.

Giggity, giggity

I survived. I am 31 and I survived an entire birthday weekend. In fact, I really enjoyed myself. It was fantastic to take time away from work, allow myself to relax and truly be happy in my home, my relationship and my life.

The celebration began VIP style with ridiculous seats to watch the Mavs clinch a spot in the Finals. I mean, amazing seats chilling with an Olympic medalist. We swapped numbers. You know, cause we're friends now.

The next couple days were fun dinners with friends, sleeping in, brunch, my favorite Texadelphia lunch, a little shopping, a few killer bday presents (hello Marc Jacobs) and some relaxing pool time. I even capped it all off with a girls dinner last night. The celebration is officially over. And I survived.

So bring it on 31. I'm ready for you!

Moment for moment - that's enough

"Be happy in the moment, that's enough"

That's part of a quote from Mother Theresa; however, it's also on a necklace a friend gave me years ago. I wore it every day. It was a beautiful art piece handscripted and sealed in glass then sautered to a silver chain. And then I broke it.

I've searched forever for it. It came at a point in my life when I was uncertain about my future and so much bad seemed to be happening. But it reminded me of my faith and of joy and I needed it - daily. Even searching for that necklace online again just now made me relax, take a deep breathe and feel the serenity of that gift, that phrase, that friend. I needed it then and I need it again now.

Is there a cure?

"I'm think I'm just afraid to be happy."

I almost cried even as it came out of my mouth about an hour ago. Not because I'm unhappy, but because it's true. I can't allow myself to experience too much good, because it's inevitably followed by bad. Each smile will be countered with tears. Every hug comes before someone throws a verbal punch. I am a broken, hardened and saddened person ... and I just realized it an hour ago.

How did I realize this? Simple. It's coming. And I can't seem to do anything to stop it. The dreaded bday is approaching. It's not my favorite time of year for multiple reasons - too many expectations, not enough friends and the inevitable let down. Plus, what's to celebrate about 31? Life achievements? Plenty, but the number just kind of sucks.

The plans are low key and the knowledge that people won't come leaves me exposed and self conscious. If they were never invited to something, then they wouldn't have to turn it down. What a terrible way to think, but I do.

So many amazing things have happened in the last week. I've been given huge gifts and am experiencing stellar perks of the job. I should be jumping out of my skin with excitement, but I can't seem to shake the stress and doubt. What bad thing is going to happen to counteract all this good? As I said, I'm afraid to be happy. Is there a cure?

I was able to relax and enjoy time alone, which truly made me happy. But it took escaping alone from everything and everyone. And even then, my final night ended with an hour argument/discussion/decision over the phone. I cried and yelled and then cried again because my perfect, quiet and stress free getaway was taken away. I took a jacuzzi and a Tylenol PM and slept it off. Awoke the next day same as before I ever stole away.

I so desire that feeling of enjoying a moment, of pure relaxation and elation from realizing that the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day and your favorite song came on the radio. Or even that it's a stormy, overcast day and I love the romantic thunder and lightening of it all. But I don't. I don't feel that. I always worry what will happen next and how am I going to handle it. What lead me here and how do I get out? Again, I ask: is there a cure?